5 Cute Quarantine Looks That Say: “I haven’t had sex in two years and probably won’t for another two because that’s what the scientists are saying!”

Things have gotten bad—and things have already been pretty bad for me, as a person who has not had sex in over two years. Some scientists say it will be almost two more years until it’s safe for people who aren’t already living together to be able to hook up. I thought my time to finally feel the touch of another human being was this year of our Lord, 2020 but I guess it will have to be put on hold. In the meantime, I have compiled a list of cute outfit ideas to wear while we are stuck inside and not kissing anyone because kissing is illegal now, or something.

The hoodie and sweatpants combo
Everyone loves to be comfortable in their own home, and you should too! Nobody is around to see you look like shit and you need to take advantage of that. Of course, the ultimate comfort is not complete without an oversized hoodie, but since you’ve never had a significant other to steal one from in the past, an extra large sweatshirt from Amazon and some cologne (to mimic the lingering scent of a long lost lover) will have to do. 

The hoodie and no pants combo
This is the outfit that every woman in a romantic comedy wears the morning after she spends a night of passion with her lover. She wakes up early, and in the soft morning light makes coffee for her and her partner. This is what I believe real relationships look like because I don’t have any experience with any kind of relationship outside of romantic comedies from the 90’s and early-2000’s—which are obviously extremely accurate and are very close to how things work in real life.

That weird frog onesie you bought years ago
You bought some frog pajamas years ago as a half-joke and while they look super silly, you’ve lugged that thing with you from house to house to save it for a rainy day. Well, that rainy day has come and it’s time to bring out that old thing. It’s basically like a blanket and it’s very warm so it’s almost like being held by a person who cares about you—a feeling you have really only dreamed of experiencing in the past.

Tropical shirt and shorts
There are no parties happening these days, but tropical shirts are party shirts so bring the party to your home by wearing one. There’s a box of wine in the fridge with your name on it. Treat yourself. You’re going to end up drunk in your own bed, texting no exes (because you don’t have any)—so it’s basically like you went to a real party with real people in normal times.

That Savage X Fenty lingerie you just bought but probably won’t ever wear
In January 2020, you probably thought that this was going to be your year. You were going to finally be able to get over that slump where nobody wanted to have sex with you and you were going to become a sex goddess. In an attempt to manifest, you purchased a good amount of Savage X Fenty lingerie when it went on sale after the holidays in preparation for that time when you’re finally going to be able to bring a cutie home. Well, that’s not happening this year so you might as well just wear it for yourself a couple of times before it doesn’t fit anymore. Nobody will ever see it but you, but is that such a bad thing?