September 2019 Horoscopes
We’re starting off the month with the sun in Virgo, and a fuckton of other planets also in Virgo—which means you’re ready to crack down and work on all of your hopes and dreams, clean out your closet, and probably also get a bunch of colorful pens to organize all of your to-do lists (you’re making to-do lists now, even if you didn’t want to because there’s just that much Virgo energy going about).
The month isn’t sure to go too smoothly, though because that would just be too easy. On the 14th, there will be a full moon in Pisces, which is going to make you Feel some shit. Jupiter and Neptune are also going to clash on the 21st so be prepared to feel more disappointed than usual.
On the 23rd of September, the sun is going to go into Libra, which is going to help balance out all the imbalances you may be feeling. You might also never be able to make a decision in your life ever again. This is a great time to hang out with friends and meet some new people. Fall is always best with friends.
You’re on fire recently, and it may be the perfect time to start on a new business venture. Grab a buddy or two and get working on starting a new company. What are your services? That’s up for debate. Nobody really knows what you’re doing to make money and honestly, you don’t really know what you’re doing either. All you do know is that it says that your company was founded in your parent’s basement (which makes it relatable even if only half true) and you do “marketing.” You are now allowed to post on your social media, “The grind never stops!” at least three times a day.
Things are probably going great, and it may feel like you’re in a dream. Turns out, you are! Be careful because one wrong step in the dream world and the Dream Goblins will chase you through this mysterious world and you will be stuck there forever, leaving behind everyone you love in the real world.
It’s time to get out and invest in something that really matters, like property. Find a cheap piece of land and make it your life’s mission to flip this piece of property into a home that is worth living. The project will definitely go way over budget and you might end up alienating your wife and kids in the process. Eventually, you will end up with a beautiful home that nobody will buy because we’re on track for another recession in the next year. At least you will have befriended the ghost that lives in the attic.
If you’re feeling a little bit lost about what to do with your life, try making a blog. Sure, blogs are so seven years ago, but what else is there to do in life but to share too much of yourself with strangers on the internet? Your blog can be about anything--cooking, gardening, books, or even your completely depressing dating life and your insecurities about how you may never be able to find love or even someone to kiss your face sometimes. Whatever it is, your blog is going to take off and you’ll become super popular and even have a book deal. That, or your blog will be read by your mom and your best friend and that’s about it. Either way, it wouldn’t hurt to try!
This is going to be a period of transformation for you. You may start to feel funny towards the middle of the month and you may find your skin to be a little slimy or scaly. This is perfectly normal to experience during this time of change. You’re growing into your new hands. They may not look visually great at the start, but you will soon realize that there are some really good benefits to having these weird monster hands.
It’s time for you to put down that Excel spreadsheet and have some hot and good physical contact with another human being. You deserve it. It’s also almost time for the Harvest so you it’s a bit pressing to find a suitable partner for sacrifice to ensure the crops will be bountiful next year.
You might be experiencing some changes in your life recently. If you do not like this happening, you might as well just leave everything you’ve ever known and start anew in the woods, or maybe New Mexico. It’s going to be hard for you to figure out where to settle your new life, but once you figure it out it’s going to be great and you will be in love for exactly five months.
You are going to meet someone this month, and at first you will hate them. They’re basically the same as you, just better in every single way. There is going to be a rivalry between the two of you, but eventually you will realize that this feeling is actually love and the two of you will kiss passionately.
There is just too much going on this month and you don’t know if you can do it all. Instead of working on what you need to do piece by piece, you will instead dedicate way too much time into studying the science of time travel until you perfect it. Now, you will be able to go back in time and do everything you need to get done—which is great! Except your meddling in the concept of time is going to form a black hole within the Earth itself and everyone will die because you decided to play God.
It seems as though this month is going to be the start of an unknown journey for you. Things are going to change, and that can be scary. At the same time, be sure to embrace some of these changes and keep an open mind. Something might just surprise you!
You might be feeling some hardship when it comes to your finances, like a debt that you can’t keep putting off paying and it’s difficult to think how you’re going to pull this off. Don’t worry, though, you’re going to get a surprise visit from Ellen, who has a giant check to help you pay off that debt. You have no idea how she knows who you are or where you live but you’re not about to question it. Days later, you wonder if this was actually an Ellen impersonator and that the check they gave you was bad, but that’s another problem for another day.
Is your head in the game or is your heart just in the song? There’s going to be a lot of conflict happening for you this month. You might be best just to retire into nature for the month and befriend all the birds in the forest. Train them so that you can call upon them at a time of need to help vanquish anyone that has wronged you.