 Like a lot of people these days, I have also been stuck at home for weeks on end. Despite the anxiety that I felt from living through an actual pandemic in real time, when I was finally given the ok from my job to just stop coming to work for a while, it felt kind of nice.
At first, I got a lot of stuff done (and by a lot of stuff I mean absolutely fuck all but it was all in good fun), but now the days are blurring together and I’ve started talking out loud to my teddy bear, Brownie, because he is my only friend that I get to see on a daily basis, and our daily conversations used to purely be in my head (which is normal). Then one day it hit me—and I cannot tell you which day it was—I should start enforcing some kind of routine to keep me and my days in check. It has worked out pretty great for me so far, so I just wanted to share for some quarantine inspiration! 8:05 a.m. Wake up for the first time, but it’s too early and I’m still tired and immediately go back to sleep. 10:13 a.m. Wake up for real this time, spend over an hour scrolling through Twitter and then immediately feeling bad. A great way to start the day! 11:22 a.m. Finally get up and take a shower, standing under the water for way too long but the warmth and the water pressure kind of feels like getting hugged by someone, which is illegal to do these days. 12:07 p.m. Get out of the shower and move back to the bed to air-dry and play Animal Crossing. 2:28 p.m. Start feeling bad about staying in bed until half past two and put real clothes on. 2:31 p.m Call my parents and tell them not to go outside. Again. 3:14 p.m. Take some leftovers and reheat them. Been eating the same thing for 5 days now but you know what, I don’t feel taste anymore and nothing really matters. 3:36 p.m. Now this is where my day really begins. I will usually stare out of the window at this time. 3:40 p.m. Go on Tinder and swipe through a bunch of people. Get no matches, close out of the app. Sigh. 3:45 p.m. Sit down at desk and open up computer. Look at emails. They are all trash. I am not working. 3:47 p.m. Get a text from your coworker to tell you that it’s arm day today. Do not respond back. The fuck I’m going to be doing arm, leg, abs or any other kind of day in this crisis. 3:52 p.m. Pull out a cross stitch or some other hobby activity. 4:27 p.m. Think about that one guy that talked to me for a few weeks last summer until he ghosted me but then came back to tell me he feels bad for me but I should do comedy and still kind of cyberbullies me on Instagram in a very silent but cruel way. What’s he up to? 4:28 p.m. Think about making another Tik Tok video before the lighting in my room gets bad. Have we really come to this? 4:44 p.m. Get another text from a coworker about how the lady that shits on the floor in the bathroom sometimes is back at it again. It’s almost daily. Not always shit on the floor but some kind of bathroom terrorism takes place. Do not miss that at all. 5:00 p.m. Return back to whatever hobby activity I was doing (embroidery). Also watching Yugioh or some other show I’ve seen a bunch of times. No new content is allowed, only regression. 6:12 p.m. Eat cheese. 6:38 p.m. Look at memes. 7:09 p.m. Play more Animal Crossing. 9:28 p.m. Think to myself, “Wow! The day sure has gone by and I’ve done fucking nothing!” 9:35 p.m. Get a text from my brother telling me I need to set up a Roth IRA and “think about retirement.” 9:41 p.m. Decide now is a great time to watch another teen rom-com from the 90’s/early-2000’s that I used to love but does definitely not hold up. 11:53 p.m. Go on Bumble this time. Still nothing. Everyone’s talking about being too horny online but I guess people can’t be horny for me even when the world is ending. 12:04 a.m. Time to listen to the 2007 Mayday Parade album “A Lesson in Romantics” just one more time. 12:46 a.m. Wonder if my bosses are actually just having their own episode of Punk’d! where they pay me in full for not working at all but then I come back to work and they’re like, “Oh you thought we were serious about saying you’re coming back?” and they all laugh even though this would never happen and I’m very fortunate for working in the place that I am because it could be a lot worse. 12:53 a.m. Look at more memes. 1:13 a.m. Fall asleep even though there is night construction happening right outside. And there you have it! Just follow this routine (or make your own!) to just have at least a little bit of structure to your day in a time where time is, for the most part, absolutely meaningless!
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 While working an office job, it can be easy to fall into the routine of wearing the same five outfits every week—as long as your clothes are clean and they fit the dress code it should be fine, right? Over time, though, the clothes become worn out and your life changes, making your work outfit choices poorly reflect on who you are as a person. For example, if you, say, haven’t had sex in two years, your regular work clothes may give off an air that says, “I am hot and I have sex all the time with my hot significant other,” but if you don’t have a significant other and haven’t had sex in two years, you may need to find some new clothes to properly reflect that. Surprise your coworkers and yourself with these five (six?) outfit suggestions that really scream out, “I haven’t had sex in two years!”
Anything with a Peter Pan Collar The Peter Pan collar was invented for a different reason, but it really is the collar that was made for people like us, who work in a business-casual environment and haven’t had sex in two years. It’s both semi-professional and makes you look like a sad librarian who has many cats and does not fuck (though there are many different kinds of librarians with a different level of cat ownership and sexual activity and happiness). Flowy cardigan The office tends to get cold, so it’s always a good idea to keep a spare cardigan on the back of your chair in case of emergencies. To make sure you give off the biggest sexually frustrated mom who is also extremely religious vibes, make sure that your office cardigan is one of those giant flowy ones. The more like a blanket the better, and extra points if it’s floral too. Use this behemoth of a cardigan to keep you warm when the thermostat makes you chilly, and make sure to wrap it around you extra tight because this is the closest thing you’ll get to the warm embrace of another person for at least three months. One of those dresses that makes you look like a flight attendant Look your professional best with a no-nonsense dress that says, “Yes, I am just way too busy with my career to even possibly think about dating right now.” With a dress that has a built-in ascot and a boxy, unflattering shape, your coworkers may even believe you when you say that. Corduroy Overall Dress As the months turn into years that you haven’t felt the touch of another human being, you may feel anxious that time is flying away and that you won’t be young forever. It’s true, you will not be young forever—nobody will. But it’s fine, to combat this I recommend to start wearing more corduroy overall dresses. The overall dress is a powerful clothing item. It says “sure I may look like a fucking child even though I’m at least in my mid-twenties but I do not give a shit!” This is a powerful move, but one you must commit to. Anything with a lot of ruffles It has been so long since anyone has seen your naked body, and with an outfit with an obscene amount of ruffles, you can ensure that nobody will ever see your body again—not even a peep of cleavage or even a collarbone. You’ve gone this long without experiencing another person’s touch or gaze, might as well just commit to the very end. |
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