Get ready for the summertime sads to continue because we’re balls deep in Cancer season until July 23, so keep playing that one specific emo album from 2007 on repeat to try and remember what it felt like to be happy at one point or another. There was a new moon eclipse in Cancer on July 2, which may have felt like a nice, refreshing break filled with friends and fun. But this month we’re not going to have just one eclipse, we’re having two of them. On July 16 we’re getting hit with another one, this time in Capricorn. It’s time to cut a bitch out of your life if you’re not feeling it.
Also this month, if there isn’t enough already, Mercury is retrograde from July 7-31 so it might be good to just not try anything new, from a new phone to a new friend, because it’s just about to turn out bad. I mean, you’re in control of your own life but shit seems to get weird during a Mercury retrograde and while the planets don’t make up all the rules, they actually do. The sun going into Leo later in the month may get us motivated and out of this nostalgic rut but who are we kidding?
It’s the start of something new, a personal evolution if you will. Like a Pokémon, you are going to evolve into your final form this month. This isn’t a metaphorical, internal evolution, though--I’m talking about a physical change. It’s like puberty but potentially worse. On the night of the eclipse your outer skin layer will molt and you will wake up with a completely different appearance. You must now learn how to live your life with someone else’s face.
In an unfortunate turn of events, you will be accused of someone’s murder. There’s no way that this could be you, since you have never even been to the area that the person was killed ever in your life. The trial is expedited and halfway through the first day, the prosecutor realizes that they got the wrong person--it’s someone else with the same name as you. That’s embarrassing! They let you go, but they still have your shoes and they’re not giving those back.
You are probably going to get your personal information stolen after you used your debit card at a 7-Eleven, but it’s all going to be okay. Well it’s actually going to suck because someone is going to punch you in the stomach in the parking lot of said 7-Eleven.
The people around you are going to be testing you this month, which is totally rude because it’s your birthday month (for some of you at least)! Sometimes the emotions are going to be too overwhelming and you may not know how to put your feelings into words, which is fine. The stress will activate a special part of your brain that makes you express all of your thoughts and emotions into a very catchy and well choreographed musical routine.
After getting into a rousing bar fight, you must leave town. You grab the closest cutie next to you while you make your escape and the two of you will set out on a long drive to the coast. During this impromptu and slightly illegal and dangerous road trip, you and your companion will have many passionate moments and there will be a lot of sexy karaoke singing in dive bars. It is sad to know that you can never go back home, but you like your new life as a traveler.
You might be feeling tired when you’re around the people you’re closest to. You might feel like going away for a little while. You probably are also feeling some anxiety about our current climate crisis and how you will not be able to enact your 30-year life plan at this rate. Plans change, and it’s time to ensure that you will be safe when civilization crumbles. Use this time to build an underground bunker, fully stocked of course.
Lately you might be feeling a bit confused about where your life is headed. You’re going to get more confused when you find out that your best friend has actually been a half-lobster human this whole time. What this means for your friendship is unknown at the moment.
This month is the perfect time to not only inspire yourself, but also to inspire others. Take it upon yourself to start being a motivational speaker wherever you can justify doing it--your job, the DMV, or when you’re making small talk with the grocery store cashier. Eventually, you will obtain a small group of loyal followers where you can finally execute your real plan: selling scented candles that are supposed to have healing properties. You could probably quit your day job by now and just make a living off of the concept of your own potential success.
Someone will die this month, and because of it you have now acquired some new property. Of course, the place is absolutely haunted and you will have one of those toy telephones with the faces on them, that is possessed by a demon, follow you and constantly knock into your heels for all eternity.
Your nemesis will cross you this month and you have had enough--it’s time to settle this once and for all. It is time to duel. You will be able to pick the dueling method, but it is a fight to the death.
Something will happen this month that may make you go to the doctor’s more often than you would like. You will get a surgery or a new medication that is going to give you some similar traits with ducks, like quacking at random times and also being able to swim upright and very fast with your feet. You will need to use these new powers for good.
Congratulations! You’re having a baby!
We are still very much in Taurus season, so everything appears to be beautiful. At the same time, we now have three planets in retrograde. Jupiter is retrograding in Sagittarius, so you’ll be given some celestial insight on your path to self discovery. At the same time, Saturn and Pluto retrograde in Capricorn is going to judge the hell out of you.
Also this week, we’re going to experience a new moon, and as Troy and Gabriella say in the first musical number of High School Musical, it’s the start of something new. This week, I’m taking a bit of a break from giving you the most accurate astrological reading that I can to instead give you a summary of what every sign’s horoscope is when I read other, less good horoscopes.
You’re going to rule the world some day, but everyone will secretly hate you. But that doesn’t matter because you hate them too.
Wow look at you Taurus! You’re amazing, just keep doing what you’re doing and everything in life will go great for you because you’re just that fricken great!
Things are tough right now but you’ll make it out okay.
Nobody has ever actually liked you ever in your life. Just go crawl away into a hole somewhere so no one has to deal with the mess that is you.
You are a certified Hot Mess. Everyone loves you, though! Can’t wait to see you in the next production of Legally Blonde.
You’re on the road for self improvement but you’re never going to improve enough to stop having to improve yourself all the time.
Trying to make a decision this week will probably kill you. You are also very horny but are too afraid to say it.
You are horny and evil.
Treat yourself until you die from it.
Have you ever tried listening to another person? Ever. Please try it sometimes so that you don’t appear to be so ice cold.
You are going to be abducted by aliens.
Someone is going to be mean to you and you’re going to cry about it.
Recently, I have had so many people ask me, “Renée you’re 24 still living with your parents, working a job that doesn’t pay a lot and commuting four hours a day to do it, paying off an extreme amount of student loan debt, have never had a romantic relationship in your entire life, and haven’t created any art of substance in years--just how are you able to have it all?” Well, of course, being a creative isn’t easy and being a successful one is even harder. With just a bit of hard work and a great attitude, anyone can live a life similar to mine! In fact, I want everyone to experience success the same way I have, which is why I have decided to share my daily routine because behind every successful person is a successful daily routine.
5:30am-- This is when my alarm goes off every morning. The sun is not up at this time and I truly feel like dying because I never get enough sleep the night before. Also, what person under the age of 50 willingly wakes up at 5:30 in the morning? I press snooze and go back to sleep.
5:31-6:12am-- I repeatedly press snooze every eight or so minutes. Before I can close my eyes again and really screw myself over for the morning, I begrudgingly get up to go take a shower.
6:13-6:39am-- This is shower time. Should someone with eczema take a hot shower every morning? Probably not but I feel like a trash rodent without it. Sometimes it takes me a long time to remove my body from the toilet to the shower after my morning pee because I’m so tired. At least I don’t pee in the shower. As the hot water hits my body, I do not want to leave but I must. If I take too long at this step then I will be screwed.
6:40-6:55am-- It’s now time to apply makeup. First I put on some moisturizer because without it my face will be as flaky as a croissant. Then I do a quick makeup routine of foundation, mascara, eyebrow stuff, and blush. Makeup is a scam but I still feel uncomfortable without it. I then go to my room, pick up an outfit off the floor that isn’t too wrinkly, pack up my giant purse, and head out.
6:55-7:10am-- I get driven to the train station by one of my parents because I don’t own a car and also don’t believe in buying one just to have it sit in a parking lot all day. My parents agree. As payment, I usually get to listen to my dad’s hot takes about what he saw on Fox and Friends this morning. I stare out the window and say, “Uh huh,” every once in a while to pretend I’m listening.
7:11-8:45am-- This is the time I spend on the commute. I spend an hour sitting on the train, staring out the window and listening to comedy podcasts. I then think to myself, “I would also really like to do a comedy podcast,” and I start thinking about the details. I could do something more productive, but I would much rather just sit and stare and do not much else. Sometimes the train breaks down and I am late. In theory, my train should arrive in the station at 8:11 but that never happens. After that, I walk a mile to my place of employment, the speed of my walking is only fast when my train is really late and I have to book it. Sometimes I get too lazy and take the bus instead.
8:45-10:30am-- I start working, and then I get hungry. If I remember to take one, I will eat my granola bar or some fruit I brought. More likely, though, I will go to the Starbucks on the first floor of my building and get an iced tea lemonade and a breakfast sandwich. There’s something about that fake egg and cheese that just really gets me.
10:30-12:15pm-- More work until lunchtime. This is theoretically where I go to the gym upstairs on my lunch break, but it’s more realistic for me to just go to Taco Bell across the street because I never remember to make a lunch for myself.
12:15-5:00pm-- This is the long stretch of the workday. Things really slow down around 2:00 and I more or less just keep drinking the free pop in the office fridge and go to the bathroom a lot. I say I’ll get some writing done in my downtime, but that rarely happens (except for right now, while I’m writing this). I may also pound down a whole bag of sour gummy bears that I bought at 7-Eleven.
5:00-6:45pm-- Now it’s the second half of the commute. I bust my ass trying to get back to the train station. If I’m even two minutes late I’m going to have a bad time finding a seat. I listen to more podcasts. I’ll usually take out my tablet to try and do some creative work, but I find that staring out the window while listening to people talk about politics is more interesting. There’s always when I get home, after all.
6:46-7:10pm-- This is when I finally get home. I’ll eat dinner with the family, and my least favorite TV personality, Tucker Carlson, usually plays in the background while we eat. I immediately get very tired and I can’t even find the energy to argue with my family. I retire to my room.
7:11-7:54pm-- I lay in my unmade bed, still in the clothes I wore to work that day, and play on my phone. I go on Twitter for a bit, maybe some Instagram and even Facebook if I’m feeling extra spicy. I usually stop doing this once I see someone announcing a major life achievement. I shouldn’t compare myself to others, but I do a lot of the time because it sometimes feels like my life has stood still ever since I graduated college. A podcast is playing this whole time because I have too many podcasts in my queue and I’m so behind. How did this happen to me? Why do I subscribe to so many damn podcasts?
7:55-8:07pm-- I stop listening to podcasts for a brief moment and instead listen to the pop punk song of the day at least three times on repeat.
8:08-8:09pm-- I share a meme with a friend I haven’t talked to in a while.
8:10-9:23pm-- Now it is time to get to work! I sit at my desk, ready for good art to be made! I’m still listening to podcasts. The podcasts are telling me to watch Pen15 on Hulu and I want to but I’m going to forget because I’m still stuck trying to catch up on podcasts. I try to write, but I give up and instead work on my giant cross stitch of Troy Bolton from High School Musical 2. I’ve stared at his face so long that it no longer looks like a face to me, but it’s too late to quit now.
9:24-9:26pm-- I look at my bank account. Then I look at my student loan balance. I sigh.
9:27-10:12pm-- This is when I should go to bed because I need to get up before the sun rises to get to work on time, but I’m not perfect. If I’m already doing something, I won’t quit until I’m so tired that I stop making any sense.
10:13-10:51pm-- Even when I’m too tired to move, as soon as I turn off the lights and get comfortable, my brain wakes the fuck up. This is when I look up cold cases, look through all the social media of someone I had a crush on at school, and also Google pathetic things like, “Will anyone ever love me?” I then remember that I almost forgot to take my birth control and get out of bed again--not like it matters because I barely know what it’s like to experience another person’s touch so there’s not really a change I’m going to get pregnant but whatever!
10:52pm-morning-- This is theoretically when I sleep. It’s never a full eight hours and by Friday, I’ve lost enough sleep that it’s hard to really know what’s going on. My parents tell me that this is what life is. I hope that there is something more.
As you can see, the key to success is really just maintaining a productive and healthy lifestyle! Get inspired and go do great things!
It wasn’t until this summer, when she started dating Pete Davidson, that I really started to spend time thinking about Ariana Grande as a person. How did a woman so talented and at the top of her game agree to be engaged to Pete Davidson? Because of this, I now had to think about if I thought Pete Davidson is attractive, which is something that I never thought I’d have to think about (my conclusion was that yes, he is attractive, mostly because the bar is to the ground when it comes to my standards for what makes a guy hot).
This was also the time that I started getting into astrology, so I was delighted to find out that she was a Cancer sun and a Libra moon just like me. Even though we have never met and will probably never meet, I felt like I had a connection to her. She released Sweetener which was a bop and after her breakup with Pete she released her newest album, Thank u, next, which is full of certified bops and a lot of relatable moods. That being said, I feel like I would relate to it a lot more if I was hot.
While the two of us share sun and moon placements and the fact that we are only a year apart, the similarities stop there. This past year has been arguably the worst year for the both of us, but my year did not consist of my ex boyfriend passing away and having a messy broken engagement with another guy--if I was hot, maybe I would have a boyfriend that broke up with me and made me sad. Instead, my terrible year was the result of living with my parents, not having enough money to move out and follow my dreams, living far away from any friend I have, and the crushing weight of capitalism and student loan debt. Good music comes from sad breakups, something hot people experience, not worries about making their student loan payments on time.
The album centers around Ari finding herself, and learning how to thrive by herself, which is something that only hot people have to learn. Not hot people like myself don’t learn independence--we’re independent right from the get-go, we have to do all the loving and the hanging out and the cooking all on our own all the time. Well anyways, Thank u, next came out and I’ve been listening to it on repeat, soaking in all the Cancer sun/Libra moon vibes and thinking, “I could relate to this album so much more if I was hot.”
The whole premise of “imagine” as I assume is that she’s imagining having a relationship with someone she likes. As a person who is alive, I know this feeling well. Maybe if I was hot, I would actually know what it’s like to actually feel someone sleeping next to me or kissing me or whatever, but since I am not hot, all I really can do is imagine what that feels like, unlike Ariana Grande, who has definitely experienced relationship things more than once because she is hot.
Just like Ariana, I also am needy. I crave and need attention all the time, but because I am not hot I don’t actually get attention, and if I ask for some I’m considered annoying. If I was hot like Ariana, then I could be needy openly and people will still love me but because I am not hot, this is not something that I can relate to.
This song is all about needing space in a relationship, which I guess that I can relate to. Not like I would really know because I’ve never been in one but I’m assuming that I’m going to need space. I’ve been on my own for so long that I don’t really know how I would act if I was in a relationship with someone and with them all the damn time. What am I even getting worked up about, though? Dating is for hot people after all and I am not hot.
In this track, Ariana explains that at the moment she’s in it for a good time but not a long time. A lot of people getting out of relationships like to mess around since they’re finally feeling the freedom that they didn’t have while in a committed relationship. Don’t know what that’s like. Chances are, though, if I’m going to be with someone it’s just going to be a one-time thing because most people don’t want to look at me for too long.
5. “fake smile”
As I’ve said before, both Ariana and I have had quite a rough year. I, too, am tired of pretending that everything is fine and just want to cry sometimes. Even if Ariana decides to stop the fake smile, people will understand because she’s been through a lot. If I do that, though, everyone will tell me to “get over it” and “shut the fuck up” because “it’s not that bad” because people who are not hot cannot be sad about anything ever, especially about problems that are specific to people who are not hot, like me.
6. “bad idea”
In this song, the “bad idea” is having a booty call. This is something only hot people can do. If I were to text anyone at 2am to come over, they would all be like “wtf ew no” and I would remain alone and also very embarrassed. If I named a song “bad idea” it would be about that time I told the guy that I liked that I liked him and it didn’t work out and I made a fool of myself, and the other time I did that and it also didn’t work out and I also made a fool of myself, and on and on.
7. “make up”
Get made just to have make-up sex? Yeah that’s only something that hot people can relate to.
This song is probably about Ariana apologizing to Pete for mourning the death of her ex-boyfriend Mac Miller who died right after they started dating. That is very sad and this is a heartfelt song that I can fortunately not relate to at all. Since I am not hot, I never had one boyfriend, let alone two in my life so there’s no way I could talk about one in front of the other.
9. “in my head”
The song starts with a monologue that goes, “Here’s the thing: you’re in love with a version of a person you’ve created in your head.” Fucking DUH! What else is someone who is not hot going to do? Fall in love with an actual person that you spend time with and wanted to get to know you in return? That’s something for hot people. Ariana is talking about imagining the person she’s with as someone better than they are but I’m just imagining people--anyone really--liking me at all. I just spend so much time daydreaming about an entirely different life where I am hot and people are attracted to me at all. The only place I’ll ever be in a relationship is in my head, after all.
10. “7 rings”
This track is a bop and I would love to jam to it as if the lyrics reflected my own current life in any way possible. Truth is, I get paid $12/hr, have crippling loan debt, and I only have like two friends so if I wouldn’t ever even need to buy that many rings for friends that I don’t have. Maybe one day I could flex like Ariana, but today is not that day.
11. “thank u, next”
It is very much a Cancer thing to write a song thanking your exes--at least I would assume that much since I don’t have any exes to thank myself. She had at least three that she was talking about: one taught her love, one taught her patience, and one taught her pain. THREE different people? Wow! I had to teach myself all of those things because I am not hot and have to do everything in this goddamn life all by myself.
12. “break up with your girlfriend, i’m bored”
Out of all of these songs that can only be truly relatable if you are also hot like Ariana Grande, this is the peak hot person song. This is such a flex. For me, someone who isn’t hot, there is no way that anyone in a relationship with any girl is going to leave them for someone as not hot as me. There is no way. Even if I would like for that to happen, it’s never going to happen. Fetch will happen before this would ever happen.