“Thank u, next” Would Be the Most Relatable Album Ever, if Only I Was Hot

Ariana making a peace sign, signaling that not hot people problems are not her problem. Jesse Grant/Getty Images

It wasn’t until this summer, when she started dating Pete Davidson, that I really started to spend time thinking about Ariana Grande as a person. How did a woman so talented and at the top of her game agree to be engaged to Pete Davidson? Because of this, I now had to think about if I thought Pete Davidson is attractive, which is something that I never thought I’d have to think about (my conclusion was that yes, he is attractive, mostly because the bar is to the ground when it comes to my standards for what makes a guy hot).

This was also the time that I started getting into astrology, so I was delighted to find out that she was a Cancer sun and a Libra moon just like me. Even though we have never met and will probably never meet, I felt like I had a connection to her. She released Sweetener which was a bop and after her breakup with Pete she released her newest album, Thank u, next, which is full of certified bops and a lot of relatable moods. That being said, I feel like I would relate to it a lot more if I was hot.

While the two of us share sun and moon placements and the fact that we are only a year apart, the similarities stop there. This past year has been arguably the worst year for the both of us, but my year did not consist of my ex boyfriend passing away and having a messy broken engagement with another guy--if I was hot, maybe I would have a boyfriend that broke up with me and made me sad. Instead, my terrible year was the result of living with my parents, not having enough money to move out and follow my dreams, living far away from any friend I have, and the crushing weight of capitalism and student loan debt. Good music comes from sad breakups, something hot people experience, not worries about making their student loan payments on time.

The album centers around Ari finding herself, and learning how to thrive by herself, which is something that only hot people have to learn. Not hot people like myself don’t learn independence--we’re independent right from the get-go, we have to do all the loving and the hanging out and the cooking all on our own all the time. Well anyways, Thank u, next came out and I’ve been listening to it on repeat, soaking in all the Cancer sun/Libra moon vibes and thinking, “I could relate to this album so much more if I was hot.”

1. “imagine”
The whole premise of “imagine” as I assume is that she’s imagining having a relationship with someone she likes. As a person who is alive, I know this feeling well. Maybe if I was hot, I would actually know what it’s like to actually feel someone sleeping next to me or kissing me or whatever, but since I am not hot, all I really can do is imagine what that feels like, unlike Ariana Grande, who has definitely experienced relationship things more than once because she is hot.

2. “needy”
Just like Ariana, I also am needy. I crave and need attention all the time, but because I am not hot I don’t actually get attention, and if I ask for some I’m considered annoying. If I was hot like Ariana, then I could be needy openly and people will still love me but because I am not hot, this is not something that I can relate to.

3. “NASA”
This song is all about needing space in a relationship, which I guess that I can relate to. Not like I would really know because I’ve never been in one but I’m assuming that I’m going to need space. I’ve been on my own for so long that I don’t really know how I would act if I was in a relationship with someone and with them all the damn time. What am I even getting worked up about, though? Dating is for hot people after all and I am not hot.

4. “bloodline”
In this track, Ariana explains that at the moment she’s in it for a good time but not a long time. A lot of people getting out of relationships like to mess around since they’re finally feeling the freedom that they didn’t have while in a committed relationship. Don’t know what that’s like. Chances are, though, if I’m going to be with someone it’s just going to be a one-time thing because most people don’t want to look at me for too long.

5. “fake smile”
As I’ve said before, both Ariana and I have had quite a rough year. I, too, am tired of pretending that everything is fine and just want to cry sometimes. Even if Ariana decides to stop the fake smile, people will understand because she’s been through a lot. If I do that, though, everyone will tell me to “get over it” and “shut the fuck up” because “it’s not that bad” because people who are not hot cannot be sad about anything ever, especially about problems that are specific to people who are not hot, like me.

6. “bad idea”
In this song, the “bad idea” is having a booty call. This is something only hot people can do. If I were to text anyone at 2am to come over, they would all be like “wtf ew no” and I would remain alone and also very embarrassed. If I named a song “bad idea” it would be about that time I told the guy that I liked that I liked him and it didn’t work out and I made a fool of myself, and the other time I did that and it also didn’t work out and I also made a fool of myself, and on and on.

7. “make up”
Get made just to have make-up sex? Yeah that’s only something that hot people can relate to.

8. “ghostin”
This song is probably about Ariana apologizing to Pete for mourning the death of her ex-boyfriend Mac Miller who died right after they started dating. That is very sad and this is a heartfelt song that I can fortunately not relate to at all. Since I am not hot, I never had one boyfriend, let alone two in my life so there’s no way I could talk about one in front of the other.

9. “in my head”
The song starts with a monologue that goes, “Here’s the thing: you’re in love with a version of a person you’ve created in your head.” Fucking DUH! What else is someone who is not hot going to do? Fall in love with an actual person that you spend time with and wanted to get to know you in return? That’s something for hot people. Ariana is talking about imagining the person she’s with as someone better than they are but I’m just imagining people--anyone really--liking me at all. I just spend so much time daydreaming about an entirely different life where I am hot and people are attracted to me at all. The only place I’ll ever be in a relationship is in my head, after all.

10. “7 rings”
This track is a bop and I would love to jam to it as if the lyrics reflected my own current life in any way possible. Truth is, I get paid $12/hr, have crippling loan debt, and I only have like two friends so if I wouldn’t ever even need to buy that many rings for friends that I don’t have. Maybe one day I could flex like Ariana, but today is not that day.

11. “thank u, next”
It is very much a Cancer thing to write a song thanking your exes--at least I would assume that much since I don’t have any exes to thank myself. She had at least three that she was talking about: one taught her love, one taught her patience, and one taught her pain. THREE different people? Wow! I had to teach myself all of those things because I am not hot and have to do everything in this goddamn life all by myself.

12. “break up with your girlfriend, i’m bored”
Out of all of these songs that can only be truly relatable if you are also hot like Ariana Grande, this is the peak hot person song. This is such a flex. For me, someone who isn’t hot, there is no way that anyone in a relationship with any girl is going to leave them for someone as not hot as me. There is no way. Even if I would like for that to happen, it’s never going to happen. Fetch will happen before this would ever happen.