While working an office job, it can be easy to fall into the routine of wearing the same five outfits every week—as long as your clothes are clean and they fit the dress code it should be fine, right? Over time, though, the clothes become worn out and your life changes, making your work outfit choices poorly reflect on who you are as a person. For example, if you, say, haven’t had sex in two years, your regular work clothes may give off an air that says, “I am hot and I have sex all the time with my hot significant other,” but if you don’t have a significant other and haven’t had sex in two years, you may need to find some new clothes to properly reflect that. Surprise your coworkers and yourself with these five (six?) outfit suggestions that really scream out, “I haven’t had sex in two years!”
Anything with a Peter Pan Collar
The Peter Pan collar was invented for a different reason, but it really is the collar that was made for people like us, who work in a business-casual environment and haven’t had sex in two years. It’s both semi-professional and makes you look like a sad librarian who has many cats and does not fuck (though there are many different kinds of librarians with a different level of cat ownership and sexual activity and happiness).
The office tends to get cold, so it’s always a good idea to keep a spare cardigan on the back of your chair in case of emergencies. To make sure you give off the biggest sexually frustrated mom who is also extremely religious vibes, make sure that your office cardigan is one of those giant flowy ones. The more like a blanket the better, and extra points if it’s floral too. Use this behemoth of a cardigan to keep you warm when the thermostat makes you chilly, and make sure to wrap it around you extra tight because this is the closest thing you’ll get to the warm embrace of another person for at least three months.
One of those dresses that makes you look like a flight attendant
Look your professional best with a no-nonsense dress that says, “Yes, I am just way too busy with my career to even possibly think about dating right now.” With a dress that has a built-in ascot and a boxy, unflattering shape, your coworkers may even believe you when you say that.
Corduroy Overall Dress
As the months turn into years that you haven’t felt the touch of another human being, you may feel anxious that time is flying away and that you won’t be young forever. It’s true, you will not be young forever—nobody will. But it’s fine, to combat this I recommend to start wearing more corduroy overall dresses. The overall dress is a powerful clothing item. It says “sure I may look like a fucking child even though I’m at least in my mid-twenties but I do not give a shit!” This is a powerful move, but one you must commit to.
Anything with a lot of ruffles
It has been so long since anyone has seen your naked body, and with an outfit with an obscene amount of ruffles, you can ensure that nobody will ever see your body again—not even a peep of cleavage or even a collarbone. You’ve gone this long without experiencing another person’s touch or gaze, might as well just commit to the very end.
Oh no! It’s almost Halloween and you don’t even have a costume yet! Life has been coming at you fast and you just haven’t had time to think about, let alone make, a whole costume for the spooky season, but you have to get drunk this weekend and time is of the essence. If you’re feeling stumped about what to wear this Halloween, I have a few ideas for you. They’re fun, they’re sexy, and they’re definitely scary.
1.Sexy Student Loan Debt
If you’re experiencing the crushing weight of student loan debt, you may be living at your parents’ house in your hometown, where all of your friends have already left you behind, leaving you with no plans for Halloween. If this is not the case, then I have to say congratulations because that was not my experience at all! Since you’re going to be out on the town this Halloween, but still do not have the luxury of calling a fun place in the city your own, you might as well just go as a sexier version of your crippling student loan debt so that you can let everyone know that you’re struggling but you’re going about it in a very hot, sexy way.
2. Sexy Crushed Hopes and Dreams
No matter who you are, you have some dreams that have been relentlessly crushed right before your eyes--that’s life, after all. Halloween is all about being what you’re not, so if you’re not successful, why not at least pretend to be for a night? Bitter reality can wait until tomorrow.
3. Sexy Something from Your Nightmares
Nightmares are subjective, and change from person to person so get creative with it! You could go as “sexy going to die alone with 20 cats eating the flesh off my dead face” or even just as “sexy 100 spiders on me at once.” For me, my worst nightmare would be this sexy Gumby costume--that green blob boy just is not right.
4. Sexy Shredded Cheese in a Bag
After a night out, a hard day at work, or just for a regular depression meal, shredded cheese in a bag has always been there to satisfy your needs. Halloween is going to be a big night for you, so maybe it’s time to show your late-night snack some appreciation all day and not just at 3:00 in the morning while you lay on your kitchen floor thinking about how your life is just passing you by, so wear your bag of shredded cheese proudly--and sexily--on your body. It could also be a great couple costume with a sexy taco.
5. Sexy Employee Who Hates Their Job
There are costumes for sexy dead secretaries, and a whole lot of other sexy professions like police officer and nun, but how many costumes are there for just the everyday office employee who hates their job? This costume is perfect for all occasions, but especially at a work-related event--it’s just you, but sexier.
Recently, I have had so many people ask me, “Renée you’re 24 still living with your parents, working a job that doesn’t pay a lot and commuting four hours a day to do it, paying off an extreme amount of student loan debt, have never had a romantic relationship in your entire life, and haven’t created any art of substance in years--just how are you able to have it all?” Well, of course, being a creative isn’t easy and being a successful one is even harder. With just a bit of hard work and a great attitude, anyone can live a life similar to mine! In fact, I want everyone to experience success the same way I have, which is why I have decided to share my daily routine because behind every successful person is a successful daily routine.
5:30am-- This is when my alarm goes off every morning. The sun is not up at this time and I truly feel like dying because I never get enough sleep the night before. Also, what person under the age of 50 willingly wakes up at 5:30 in the morning? I press snooze and go back to sleep.
5:31-6:12am-- I repeatedly press snooze every eight or so minutes. Before I can close my eyes again and really screw myself over for the morning, I begrudgingly get up to go take a shower.
6:13-6:39am-- This is shower time. Should someone with eczema take a hot shower every morning? Probably not but I feel like a trash rodent without it. Sometimes it takes me a long time to remove my body from the toilet to the shower after my morning pee because I’m so tired. At least I don’t pee in the shower. As the hot water hits my body, I do not want to leave but I must. If I take too long at this step then I will be screwed.
6:40-6:55am-- It’s now time to apply makeup. First I put on some moisturizer because without it my face will be as flaky as a croissant. Then I do a quick makeup routine of foundation, mascara, eyebrow stuff, and blush. Makeup is a scam but I still feel uncomfortable without it. I then go to my room, pick up an outfit off the floor that isn’t too wrinkly, pack up my giant purse, and head out.
6:55-7:10am-- I get driven to the train station by one of my parents because I don’t own a car and also don’t believe in buying one just to have it sit in a parking lot all day. My parents agree. As payment, I usually get to listen to my dad’s hot takes about what he saw on Fox and Friends this morning. I stare out the window and say, “Uh huh,” every once in a while to pretend I’m listening.
7:11-8:45am-- This is the time I spend on the commute. I spend an hour sitting on the train, staring out the window and listening to comedy podcasts. I then think to myself, “I would also really like to do a comedy podcast,” and I start thinking about the details. I could do something more productive, but I would much rather just sit and stare and do not much else. Sometimes the train breaks down and I am late. In theory, my train should arrive in the station at 8:11 but that never happens. After that, I walk a mile to my place of employment, the speed of my walking is only fast when my train is really late and I have to book it. Sometimes I get too lazy and take the bus instead.
8:45-10:30am-- I start working, and then I get hungry. If I remember to take one, I will eat my granola bar or some fruit I brought. More likely, though, I will go to the Starbucks on the first floor of my building and get an iced tea lemonade and a breakfast sandwich. There’s something about that fake egg and cheese that just really gets me.
10:30-12:15pm-- More work until lunchtime. This is theoretically where I go to the gym upstairs on my lunch break, but it’s more realistic for me to just go to Taco Bell across the street because I never remember to make a lunch for myself.
12:15-5:00pm-- This is the long stretch of the workday. Things really slow down around 2:00 and I more or less just keep drinking the free pop in the office fridge and go to the bathroom a lot. I say I’ll get some writing done in my downtime, but that rarely happens (except for right now, while I’m writing this). I may also pound down a whole bag of sour gummy bears that I bought at 7-Eleven.
5:00-6:45pm-- Now it’s the second half of the commute. I bust my ass trying to get back to the train station. If I’m even two minutes late I’m going to have a bad time finding a seat. I listen to more podcasts. I’ll usually take out my tablet to try and do some creative work, but I find that staring out the window while listening to people talk about politics is more interesting. There’s always when I get home, after all.
6:46-7:10pm-- This is when I finally get home. I’ll eat dinner with the family, and my least favorite TV personality, Tucker Carlson, usually plays in the background while we eat. I immediately get very tired and I can’t even find the energy to argue with my family. I retire to my room.
7:11-7:54pm-- I lay in my unmade bed, still in the clothes I wore to work that day, and play on my phone. I go on Twitter for a bit, maybe some Instagram and even Facebook if I’m feeling extra spicy. I usually stop doing this once I see someone announcing a major life achievement. I shouldn’t compare myself to others, but I do a lot of the time because it sometimes feels like my life has stood still ever since I graduated college. A podcast is playing this whole time because I have too many podcasts in my queue and I’m so behind. How did this happen to me? Why do I subscribe to so many damn podcasts?
7:55-8:07pm-- I stop listening to podcasts for a brief moment and instead listen to the pop punk song of the day at least three times on repeat.
8:08-8:09pm-- I share a meme with a friend I haven’t talked to in a while.
8:10-9:23pm-- Now it is time to get to work! I sit at my desk, ready for good art to be made! I’m still listening to podcasts. The podcasts are telling me to watch Pen15 on Hulu and I want to but I’m going to forget because I’m still stuck trying to catch up on podcasts. I try to write, but I give up and instead work on my giant cross stitch of Troy Bolton from High School Musical 2. I’ve stared at his face so long that it no longer looks like a face to me, but it’s too late to quit now.
9:24-9:26pm-- I look at my bank account. Then I look at my student loan balance. I sigh.
9:27-10:12pm-- This is when I should go to bed because I need to get up before the sun rises to get to work on time, but I’m not perfect. If I’m already doing something, I won’t quit until I’m so tired that I stop making any sense.
10:13-10:51pm-- Even when I’m too tired to move, as soon as I turn off the lights and get comfortable, my brain wakes the fuck up. This is when I look up cold cases, look through all the social media of someone I had a crush on at school, and also Google pathetic things like, “Will anyone ever love me?” I then remember that I almost forgot to take my birth control and get out of bed again--not like it matters because I barely know what it’s like to experience another person’s touch so there’s not really a change I’m going to get pregnant but whatever!
10:52pm-morning-- This is theoretically when I sleep. It’s never a full eight hours and by Friday, I’ve lost enough sleep that it’s hard to really know what’s going on. My parents tell me that this is what life is. I hope that there is something more.
As you can see, the key to success is really just maintaining a productive and healthy lifestyle! Get inspired and go do great things!
It wasn’t until this summer, when she started dating Pete Davidson, that I really started to spend time thinking about Ariana Grande as a person. How did a woman so talented and at the top of her game agree to be engaged to Pete Davidson? Because of this, I now had to think about if I thought Pete Davidson is attractive, which is something that I never thought I’d have to think about (my conclusion was that yes, he is attractive, mostly because the bar is to the ground when it comes to my standards for what makes a guy hot).
This was also the time that I started getting into astrology, so I was delighted to find out that she was a Cancer sun and a Libra moon just like me. Even though we have never met and will probably never meet, I felt like I had a connection to her. She released Sweetener which was a bop and after her breakup with Pete she released her newest album, Thank u, next, which is full of certified bops and a lot of relatable moods. That being said, I feel like I would relate to it a lot more if I was hot.
While the two of us share sun and moon placements and the fact that we are only a year apart, the similarities stop there. This past year has been arguably the worst year for the both of us, but my year did not consist of my ex boyfriend passing away and having a messy broken engagement with another guy--if I was hot, maybe I would have a boyfriend that broke up with me and made me sad. Instead, my terrible year was the result of living with my parents, not having enough money to move out and follow my dreams, living far away from any friend I have, and the crushing weight of capitalism and student loan debt. Good music comes from sad breakups, something hot people experience, not worries about making their student loan payments on time.
The album centers around Ari finding herself, and learning how to thrive by herself, which is something that only hot people have to learn. Not hot people like myself don’t learn independence--we’re independent right from the get-go, we have to do all the loving and the hanging out and the cooking all on our own all the time. Well anyways, Thank u, next came out and I’ve been listening to it on repeat, soaking in all the Cancer sun/Libra moon vibes and thinking, “I could relate to this album so much more if I was hot.”
The whole premise of “imagine” as I assume is that she’s imagining having a relationship with someone she likes. As a person who is alive, I know this feeling well. Maybe if I was hot, I would actually know what it’s like to actually feel someone sleeping next to me or kissing me or whatever, but since I am not hot, all I really can do is imagine what that feels like, unlike Ariana Grande, who has definitely experienced relationship things more than once because she is hot.
Just like Ariana, I also am needy. I crave and need attention all the time, but because I am not hot I don’t actually get attention, and if I ask for some I’m considered annoying. If I was hot like Ariana, then I could be needy openly and people will still love me but because I am not hot, this is not something that I can relate to.
This song is all about needing space in a relationship, which I guess that I can relate to. Not like I would really know because I’ve never been in one but I’m assuming that I’m going to need space. I’ve been on my own for so long that I don’t really know how I would act if I was in a relationship with someone and with them all the damn time. What am I even getting worked up about, though? Dating is for hot people after all and I am not hot.
In this track, Ariana explains that at the moment she’s in it for a good time but not a long time. A lot of people getting out of relationships like to mess around since they’re finally feeling the freedom that they didn’t have while in a committed relationship. Don’t know what that’s like. Chances are, though, if I’m going to be with someone it’s just going to be a one-time thing because most people don’t want to look at me for too long.
5. “fake smile”
As I’ve said before, both Ariana and I have had quite a rough year. I, too, am tired of pretending that everything is fine and just want to cry sometimes. Even if Ariana decides to stop the fake smile, people will understand because she’s been through a lot. If I do that, though, everyone will tell me to “get over it” and “shut the fuck up” because “it’s not that bad” because people who are not hot cannot be sad about anything ever, especially about problems that are specific to people who are not hot, like me.
6. “bad idea”
In this song, the “bad idea” is having a booty call. This is something only hot people can do. If I were to text anyone at 2am to come over, they would all be like “wtf ew no” and I would remain alone and also very embarrassed. If I named a song “bad idea” it would be about that time I told the guy that I liked that I liked him and it didn’t work out and I made a fool of myself, and the other time I did that and it also didn’t work out and I also made a fool of myself, and on and on.
7. “make up”
Get made just to have make-up sex? Yeah that’s only something that hot people can relate to.
This song is probably about Ariana apologizing to Pete for mourning the death of her ex-boyfriend Mac Miller who died right after they started dating. That is very sad and this is a heartfelt song that I can fortunately not relate to at all. Since I am not hot, I never had one boyfriend, let alone two in my life so there’s no way I could talk about one in front of the other.
9. “in my head”
The song starts with a monologue that goes, “Here’s the thing: you’re in love with a version of a person you’ve created in your head.” Fucking DUH! What else is someone who is not hot going to do? Fall in love with an actual person that you spend time with and wanted to get to know you in return? That’s something for hot people. Ariana is talking about imagining the person she’s with as someone better than they are but I’m just imagining people--anyone really--liking me at all. I just spend so much time daydreaming about an entirely different life where I am hot and people are attracted to me at all. The only place I’ll ever be in a relationship is in my head, after all.
10. “7 rings”
This track is a bop and I would love to jam to it as if the lyrics reflected my own current life in any way possible. Truth is, I get paid $12/hr, have crippling loan debt, and I only have like two friends so if I wouldn’t ever even need to buy that many rings for friends that I don’t have. Maybe one day I could flex like Ariana, but today is not that day.
11. “thank u, next”
It is very much a Cancer thing to write a song thanking your exes--at least I would assume that much since I don’t have any exes to thank myself. She had at least three that she was talking about: one taught her love, one taught her patience, and one taught her pain. THREE different people? Wow! I had to teach myself all of those things because I am not hot and have to do everything in this goddamn life all by myself.
12. “break up with your girlfriend, i’m bored”
Out of all of these songs that can only be truly relatable if you are also hot like Ariana Grande, this is the peak hot person song. This is such a flex. For me, someone who isn’t hot, there is no way that anyone in a relationship with any girl is going to leave them for someone as not hot as me. There is no way. Even if I would like for that to happen, it’s never going to happen. Fetch will happen before this would ever happen.
The year of our Lord 2018 is now coming to an end. It may be cliché to say that this year--as a concept--beat me to a pulp but it’s true. At least, it’s true for the majority of this year, which has arguably been one of my worst ever in my short 24.5 years of being alive so far, not to be dramatic.
Needless to say, as the calendar year ends and I have the last long weekend until Memorial Day, this is a time for me, and for President Barack Obama, and for all of us to reflect on the year that was.
Best Books of 2018
5. Honestly didn’t read any books.
4. Is that bad?
2. I went to college so I can at least pretend I read books.
1. That one free vampire romance novel I got on my phone.
Best Movies of 2018
3. I paid real life money to see Robin Hood for some reason what a WASTE
2. Actually saw Black Panther, almost forgot it came out this year.
1. That new Spiderman movie I have also not seen yet.
I’m not even going to do music because I listen to the same 5 songs from 10 years ago plus any song I see mentioned on Twitter at least 7 times just so I know what The Youth are talking about.
1. Ariana Grande and Carly Rae Jepsen saved pop music as a genre.
Best Shows of 2018
5. Riverdale: Holy shit if you are not watching this show already just do yourself a favor and give yourself plenty of time to pause mid-episode out of secondhand embarrassment. I need other people to experience this piece of media with me, it’s too much to go through it alone.
4. Vampire Diaries: I'm late in the game but I spent 2.5 months of my life watching this very bad (but very horny) show for my job that I ended up quitting.
3. Chilling Adventures of Sabrina: Spooky and fun. My mom didn’t really like it.
2. Yu-Gi-Oh! Duel Monsters
1. Brooklyn Nine-Nine: Now that it got canceled for 36 hours people are finally giving a shit about this quality program. Andy Samberg is the sexiest man alive.
Biggest Anime Betrayals of 2018
5. Me thinking I would be able to move out of my parent’s house by September.
4. The space cake I bought in Amsterdam.
3. “Plus, I met someone else / We havin' better discussions / I know they say I move on too fast / But this one gon' last / 'Cause her name is Ari”
2. Only getting interview call backs from pyramid schemes disguised as real jobs.
1. Finding out that when British people say “quite” they mean “just a little.”
Highlights of 2018
Resolutions for 2019