August 2019 Horoscopes

August is here and, now that we’re deep in Leo season, hot (your pronoun) summer has officially begun! It seems like we’re all in for a better month than the last one, now that Mercury retrograde is no more and there aren’t two eclipses trying to ruin our lives. Use this positive energy to do cool hot people shit with your friends, go on an adventure, or really take the plunge into an elaborate revenge plan against whoever wronged your family.

On the 15th of the month, there will be a full moon in Aquarius which will bring awareness to the world outside of yourself. Take the fire already in the air and use it to dismantle a government, or fight against a power imbalance at your job, or even just find the courage to tell your mom that her body shaming just isn’t going to work anymore! From August 23 on, the sun will then be in Virgo, so get your planners ready for the end of the month because you’re going to need to organize your life after the month you’re about to have.

Aries (3/21-4/19)
You are going to get a message from an old crush. Since they grew up into someone kind of cute, you start chatting them up. Soon, you will develop feelings again for this person, feelings even more deep than you felt when you were twelve staring at them in biology class. They suggest you both meet up so you can feel the love together. Once it hits the long awaited day, you’re waiting at the agreed upon meeting spot, only to not see that cutie anywhere. Suddenly someone approaches you and lets you know that they’re the one who was chatting with you the whole time. Your former crush actually died two years ago and they hacked into their profile. The mystery catfish then steals your wallet and runs off into the night and you’re left heartbroken and broke.

Taurus (4/20-5/20)
It is time to be one with the earth this month, Taurus. Dig a hole in the ground and plant yourself. In three weeks you can finally emerge from the earth and become even more beautiful than you were before, even though you’re now thoroughly covered in dirt.

Gemini (5/21-6/20)
You will see the light this month. The light is so bright, you just want to know where it will take you. The light is so bright, it is blinding. You are consumed by the light. When will this end? Where does this go? Is this all you will ever experience for the rest of time?

Cancer (6/21-7/22)
Last month was pretty bad, but everything that didn’t kill you is going to make you stronger. And when I say stronger I mean extremely strong. Did you think that your powers of caring and helping were at maximum capacity already? Think again--you are nowhere near your final form. You must train hard and often to develop your superhero-level strength of love.

Leo (7/23-8/22)
When you go out dancing, you’re going to find a good-looking person on the opposite side of the dance floor. You both catch eyes. You will pretend to throw a lasso at them and bring them closer. It works. The two of you dance the night away. You get married three days later.

Virgo (8/23-9/22)
While walking around in a place that is unfamiliar to you, you may get stopped by one of the locals who mistook you for someone else. They turn out to be a famous pop star and you look just like their singing partner. You start to fall in love with this person, but soon realize that they are a fraud and are just using you. It is time to be true to yourself and stand up against this scammer, so you devise a plan to publicly humiliate them.

Libra (9/23-10/22)
It might be time for a bit of a wardrobe upgrade. Show them who’s boss by exclusively wearing jeans, a white t-shirt, and a leather jacket and also forming a gang of close pals to aggressively snap at passerby. Become John Travolta in the hit musical movie Grease.

Scorpio (10/23-11/21)
You may have been feeling a little bit bored at work recently, and may have even started looking for a new job to excite your life a bit. One day at work, your boss is going to cause a complete scene and quit right then and there. There’s nobody else that wants to be the boss so you’re the boss now. Are you able to handle all this responsibility?

Sagittarius (11/22-12/21)
At a quirky little shop you will come across a very old book. It looks cool, so you decide to purchase it. When you take it home and start to look through it, you start feeling funny. The book actually is a very powerful magical item and it has chosen you to pour all of its knowledge into. The book gives you knowledge about everything in the universe. What will you do with all of this information? Will you use it for good or for evil?

Capricorn (12/22-1/19)
You will hear the news that you have obtained an inheritance from an extremely distant relative who lives far away. They have given you a small fortune as well as one of their estates. It is an old, decrepit building but it has some charm. You enter and immediately feel a presence. Of course, it is a ghost and it likes to spend all of its time knocking things over and tying your shoelaces together. You try and rid the house of this spirit but to no luck. It follows you wherever you go. For a few years, the ghost may hold off on its mayhem, making you think that you are finally free but it will eventually ruin your marriage.
  
Aquarius (1/20-2/18)
Be careful this month or you may just end up getting hit by a car and forgetting everything from your past, and maybe even your own name. Don’t trust anyone, not even yourself.

Pisces (2/19-3/20)
Summer is almost over but it’s never too late to get into the health game. After doing minimal research you will pick a new diet and health plan to do religiously for a week and then completely forget about after the weekend. This health regimen is going to make you feel great--almost superhuman! It’s weird, though, because you’ve also noticed that when your skin touches water you start to develop scales. Are you actually a merperson? It’s time to talk to your mother about this.