5 Cute Quarantine Looks That Say: “I haven’t had sex in two years and probably won’t for another two because that’s what the scientists are saying!”
Things have gotten bad—and things have already been pretty bad for me, as a person who has not had sex in over two years. Some scientists say it will be almost two more years until it’s safe for people who aren’t already living together to be able to hook up. I thought my time to finally feel the touch of another human being was this year of our Lord, 2020 but I guess it will have to be put on hold. In the meantime, I have compiled a list of cute outfit ideas to wear while we are stuck inside and not kissing anyone because kissing is illegal now, or something.
The hoodie and sweatpants combo
Everyone loves to be comfortable in their own home, and you should too! Nobody is around to see you look like shit and you need to take advantage of that. Of course, the ultimate comfort is not complete without an oversized hoodie, but since you’ve never had a significant other to steal one from in the past, an extra large sweatshirt from Amazon and some cologne (to mimic the lingering scent of a long lost lover) will have to do.
The hoodie and no pants combo
This is the outfit that every woman in a romantic comedy wears the morning after she spends a night of passion with her lover. She wakes up early, and in the soft morning light makes coffee for her and her partner. This is what I believe real relationships look like because I don’t have any experience with any kind of relationship outside of romantic comedies from the 90’s and early-2000’s—which are obviously extremely accurate and are very close to how things work in real life.
That weird frog onesie you bought years ago
You bought some frog pajamas years ago as a half-joke and while they look super silly, you’ve lugged that thing with you from house to house to save it for a rainy day. Well, that rainy day has come and it’s time to bring out that old thing. It’s basically like a blanket and it’s very warm so it’s almost like being held by a person who cares about you—a feeling you have really only dreamed of experiencing in the past.
Tropical shirt and shorts
There are no parties happening these days, but tropical shirts are party shirts so bring the party to your home by wearing one. There’s a box of wine in the fridge with your name on it. Treat yourself. You’re going to end up drunk in your own bed, texting no exes (because you don’t have any)—so it’s basically like you went to a real party with real people in normal times.
That Savage X Fenty lingerie you just bought but probably won’t ever wear
In January 2020, you probably thought that this was going to be your year. You were going to finally be able to get over that slump where nobody wanted to have sex with you and you were going to become a sex goddess. In an attempt to manifest, you purchased a good amount of Savage X Fenty lingerie when it went on sale after the holidays in preparation for that time when you’re finally going to be able to bring a cutie home. Well, that’s not happening this year so you might as well just wear it for yourself a couple of times before it doesn’t fit anymore. Nobody will ever see it but you, but is that such a bad thing?
My Daily Quarantine Routine
Like a lot of people these days, I have also been stuck at home for weeks on end. Despite the anxiety that I felt from living through an actual pandemic in real time, when I was finally given the ok from my job to just stop coming to work for a while, it felt kind of nice.
At first, I got a lot of stuff done (and by a lot of stuff I mean absolutely fuck all but it was all in good fun), but now the days are blurring together and I’ve started talking out loud to my teddy bear, Brownie, because he is my only friend that I get to see on a daily basis, and our daily conversations used to purely be in my head (which is normal). Then one day it hit me—and I cannot tell you which day it was—I should start enforcing some kind of routine to keep me and my days in check. It has worked out pretty great for me so far, so I just wanted to share for some quarantine inspiration!
Wake up for the first time, but it’s too early and I’m still tired and immediately go back to sleep.
Wake up for real this time, spend over an hour scrolling through Twitter and then immediately feeling bad. A great way to start the day!
Finally get up and take a shower, standing under the water for way too long but the warmth and the water pressure kind of feels like getting hugged by someone, which is illegal to do these days.
Get out of the shower and move back to the bed to air-dry and play Animal Crossing.
Start feeling bad about staying in bed until half past two and put real clothes on.
Call my parents and tell them not to go outside. Again.
Take some leftovers and reheat them. Been eating the same thing for 5 days now but you know what, I don’t feel taste anymore and nothing really matters.
Now this is where my day really begins. I will usually stare out of the window at this time.
Go on Tinder and swipe through a bunch of people. Get no matches, close out of the app. Sigh.
Sit down at desk and open up computer. Look at emails. They are all trash. I am not working.
Get a text from your coworker to tell you that it’s arm day today. Do not respond back. The fuck I’m going to be doing arm, leg, abs or any other kind of day in this crisis.
Pull out a cross stitch or some other hobby activity.
Think about that one guy that talked to me for a few weeks last summer until he ghosted me but then came back to tell me he feels bad for me but I should do comedy and still kind of cyberbullies me on Instagram in a very silent but cruel way. What’s he up to?
Think about making another Tik Tok video before the lighting in my room gets bad. Have we really come to this?
Get another text from a coworker about how the lady that shits on the floor in the bathroom sometimes is back at it again. It’s almost daily. Not always shit on the floor but some kind of bathroom terrorism takes place. Do not miss that at all.
Return back to whatever hobby activity I was doing (embroidery). Also watching Yugioh or some other show I’ve seen a bunch of times. No new content is allowed, only regression.
Look at memes.
Play more Animal Crossing.
Think to myself, “Wow! The day sure has gone by and I’ve done fucking nothing!”
Get a text from my brother telling me I need to set up a Roth IRA and “think about retirement.”
Decide now is a great time to watch another teen rom-com from the 90’s/early-2000’s that I used to love but does definitely not hold up.
Go on Bumble this time. Still nothing. Everyone’s talking about being too horny online but I guess people can’t be horny for me even when the world is ending.
Time to listen to the 2007 Mayday Parade album “A Lesson in Romantics” just one more time.
Wonder if my bosses are actually just having their own episode of Punk’d! where they pay me in full for not working at all but then I come back to work and they’re like, “Oh you thought we were serious about saying you’re coming back?” and they all laugh even though this would never happen and I’m very fortunate for working in the place that I am because it could be a lot worse.
Look at more memes.
Fall asleep even though there is night construction happening right outside.
And there you have it! Just follow this routine (or make your own!) to just have at least a little bit of structure to your day in a time where time is, for the most part, absolutely meaningless!