Get ready for the summertime sads to continue because we’re balls deep in Cancer season until July 23, so keep playing that one specific emo album from 2007 on repeat to try and remember what it felt like to be happy at one point or another. There was a new moon eclipse in Cancer on July 2, which may have felt like a nice, refreshing break filled with friends and fun. But this month we’re not going to have just one eclipse, we’re having two of them. On July 16 we’re getting hit with another one, this time in Capricorn. It’s time to cut a bitch out of your life if you’re not feeling it.
Also this month, if there isn’t enough already, Mercury is retrograde from July 7-31 so it might be good to just not try anything new, from a new phone to a new friend, because it’s just about to turn out bad. I mean, you’re in control of your own life but shit seems to get weird during a Mercury retrograde and while the planets don’t make up all the rules, they actually do. The sun going into Leo later in the month may get us motivated and out of this nostalgic rut but who are we kidding?
It’s the start of something new, a personal evolution if you will. Like a Pokémon, you are going to evolve into your final form this month. This isn’t a metaphorical, internal evolution, though--I’m talking about a physical change. It’s like puberty but potentially worse. On the night of the eclipse your outer skin layer will molt and you will wake up with a completely different appearance. You must now learn how to live your life with someone else’s face.
In an unfortunate turn of events, you will be accused of someone’s murder. There’s no way that this could be you, since you have never even been to the area that the person was killed ever in your life. The trial is expedited and halfway through the first day, the prosecutor realizes that they got the wrong person--it’s someone else with the same name as you. That’s embarrassing! They let you go, but they still have your shoes and they’re not giving those back.
You are probably going to get your personal information stolen after you used your debit card at a 7-Eleven, but it’s all going to be okay. Well it’s actually going to suck because someone is going to punch you in the stomach in the parking lot of said 7-Eleven.
The people around you are going to be testing you this month, which is totally rude because it’s your birthday month (for some of you at least)! Sometimes the emotions are going to be too overwhelming and you may not know how to put your feelings into words, which is fine. The stress will activate a special part of your brain that makes you express all of your thoughts and emotions into a very catchy and well choreographed musical routine.
After getting into a rousing bar fight, you must leave town. You grab the closest cutie next to you while you make your escape and the two of you will set out on a long drive to the coast. During this impromptu and slightly illegal and dangerous road trip, you and your companion will have many passionate moments and there will be a lot of sexy karaoke singing in dive bars. It is sad to know that you can never go back home, but you like your new life as a traveler.
You might be feeling tired when you’re around the people you’re closest to. You might feel like going away for a little while. You probably are also feeling some anxiety about our current climate crisis and how you will not be able to enact your 30-year life plan at this rate. Plans change, and it’s time to ensure that you will be safe when civilization crumbles. Use this time to build an underground bunker, fully stocked of course.
Lately you might be feeling a bit confused about where your life is headed. You’re going to get more confused when you find out that your best friend has actually been a half-lobster human this whole time. What this means for your friendship is unknown at the moment.
This month is the perfect time to not only inspire yourself, but also to inspire others. Take it upon yourself to start being a motivational speaker wherever you can justify doing it--your job, the DMV, or when you’re making small talk with the grocery store cashier. Eventually, you will obtain a small group of loyal followers where you can finally execute your real plan: selling scented candles that are supposed to have healing properties. You could probably quit your day job by now and just make a living off of the concept of your own potential success.
Someone will die this month, and because of it you have now acquired some new property. Of course, the place is absolutely haunted and you will have one of those toy telephones with the faces on them, that is possessed by a demon, follow you and constantly knock into your heels for all eternity.
Your nemesis will cross you this month and you have had enough--it’s time to settle this once and for all. It is time to duel. You will be able to pick the dueling method, but it is a fight to the death.
Something will happen this month that may make you go to the doctor’s more often than you would like. You will get a surgery or a new medication that is going to give you some similar traits with ducks, like quacking at random times and also being able to swim upright and very fast with your feet. You will need to use these new powers for good.
Congratulations! You’re having a baby!