 The year of our Lord 2018 is now coming to an end. It may be cliché to say that this year--as a concept--beat me to a pulp but it’s true. At least, it’s true for the majority of this year, which has arguably been one of my worst ever in my short 24.5 years of being alive so far, not to be dramatic.
Needless to say, as the calendar year ends and I have the last long weekend until Memorial Day, this is a time for me, and for President Barack Obama, and for all of us to reflect on the year that was. Best Books of 2018 5. Honestly didn’t read any books. 4. Is that bad? 3. Probably. 2. I went to college so I can at least pretend I read books. 1. That one free vampire romance novel I got on my phone. Best Movies of 2018 5. ?????? 4. ?????????? 3. I paid real life money to see Robin Hood for some reason what a WASTE 2. Actually saw Black Panther, almost forgot it came out this year. 1. That new Spiderman movie I have also not seen yet. I’m not even going to do music because I listen to the same 5 songs from 10 years ago plus any song I see mentioned on Twitter at least 7 times just so I know what The Youth are talking about. 1. Ariana Grande and Carly Rae Jepsen saved pop music as a genre. Best Shows of 2018 5. Riverdale: Holy shit if you are not watching this show already just do yourself a favor and give yourself plenty of time to pause mid-episode out of secondhand embarrassment. I need other people to experience this piece of media with me, it’s too much to go through it alone. 4. Vampire Diaries: I'm late in the game but I spent 2.5 months of my life watching this very bad (but very horny) show for my job that I ended up quitting. 3. Chilling Adventures of Sabrina: Spooky and fun. My mom didn’t really like it. 2. Yu-Gi-Oh! Duel Monsters 1. Brooklyn Nine-Nine: Now that it got canceled for 36 hours people are finally giving a shit about this quality program. Andy Samberg is the sexiest man alive. Biggest Anime Betrayals of 2018 5. Me thinking I would be able to move out of my parent’s house by September. 4. The space cake I bought in Amsterdam. 3. “Plus, I met someone else / We havin' better discussions / I know they say I move on too fast / But this one gon' last / 'Cause her name is Ari” 2. Only getting interview call backs from pyramid schemes disguised as real jobs. 1. Finding out that when British people say “quite” they mean “just a little.” Highlights of 2018
Resolutions for 2019
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 The emo girl: Has had at least three regrettable haircuts, may possibly already have hair falling out because of all the dye. Thinks that listening to true crime podcasts is edgy and cool. The ‘Harry Potter’ girl: Learned how to crochet and hasn’t worn a supportive bra since. Posts things on Facebook like, “I’m an adult and I love Harry Potter, what about it!” The horse girl: Flunked out of vet school and owns too many animals. Still has mysterious and chaotic energy. The anime girl: Gets into arguments with locals on Facebook about how anime is better than any other media, even if she knows in her heart that all anime is absolute garbage. May have also gotten a regrettable anime tattoo. The horny vampire lit girl: Still a virgin. The sweatpants girl: In jail. The girl who wore the same hoodie every day: Messages you on Facebook every once in a blue moon to try and get you to buy into yet another pyramid scheme. Uses the hashtags #girlboss and #bossbabe on every post, no matter what the content is. The vest girl: Has moved on to wearing patterned pants and only washes her hair once a week. Likes to drink IPAs unironically. The Disney girl: Still super into Disney in an almost uncomfortable way. Either has never been on a date in her life or got married/had her honeymoon at Disney World with her high school sweetheart. The cat girl: Allergic to cats but just does not give a shit. The girl who pretended she was a cat: You know. The Jonas Brothers fan: Joined a sorority in college and does frequent throwback Thursdays of pictures of her spring break vacation to Florida from four years ago with the caption, “Take me back.” The girl who was VERY into youth group: Does not believe in God anymore and vapes. A lot. |
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