It’s me, that bag of spinach rotting in your fridge. I can tell that I am not the first bag of spinach to be slowly rotting away in this fridge, and I will definitely not be the last. To be honest with you, this is not the way I thought I would go. There’s an expiration date printed on my back, so I always knew I was meant to have a short life, but I’ve expired over a week ago and it feels like you’re just trying to play God at this point.
Being a bag of spinach, there were so many things I could become, so many things I could have accomplished being a big ol’ bag of leaves. Every day at the Whole Foods there were people eyeing me up and down, teasing me with off-handed comments like, “I’m going to make a salad tonight,” or, “Need some spinach for these protein shakes.” Day in and day out I’d lock eyes with random shoppers as they looked for some spinach—I’ll admit a few times I really thought I felt what it was like to be in love.
And then I met you. I will never forget that moment. At first glance I knew you were different, and I mean that in the worst way possible. Unlike all the other hotties eyeing me up and down in this produce section, you did not express the same kind of joy that a bag of spinach like me would have to offer. Instead, you just reluctantly grabbed me off my shelf and threw me in your cart. Maybe some other bags of spinach like to be thrown around like that, but I did not appreciate it. It hurt my feelings.
For weeks I’ve been sitting here, just rotting away. Some days I’m hopeful that you’ll change your mind about me and finally open me up and eat my insides, but that’s just foolish of me. I once was a sexy, beautiful bag of fresh lettuce—now I’m just a sad sack of wilted, smelly trash. If you were a normal person you would throw me out now that I’m past my prime, but I know you’re just going to ignore me until I become so disgusting that you can’t ignore my fluids leaking out of my bag. This isn’t the way I was planning to leave this world, but here I am, just another pawn in Fate’s sick and twisted game.
I don’t know you too well, and I don’t know what your intentions really were with abandoning me in the back of your refrigerator for over a month, but I wish it never turned out this way. With my last remaining breath, I would like to give you a small piece of advice. Before you pick up your next bag of spinach ask yourself, “Am I really going to eat this bag of spinach?” Based on the time we’ve spent together, the answer is going to be “no” every time. And that’s okay! Not everyone is cut out for this. By continuing to buy bags of spinach you’ll never actually use, you are not only lying to yourself, but now you have blood on your hands. My blood. The blood of so many other bags of spinach. Frankly, you are a monster and must be stopped.
Now please, just let’s get this over with. Throw me in the trash and end this miserable, sad existence of mine. I beg of you.
Like a lot of people these days, I have also been stuck at home for weeks on end. Despite the anxiety that I felt from living through an actual pandemic in real time, when I was finally given the ok from my job to just stop coming to work for a while, it felt kind of nice.
At first, I got a lot of stuff done (and by a lot of stuff I mean absolutely fuck all but it was all in good fun), but now the days are blurring together and I’ve started talking out loud to my teddy bear, Brownie, because he is my only friend that I get to see on a daily basis, and our daily conversations used to purely be in my head (which is normal). Then one day it hit me—and I cannot tell you which day it was—I should start enforcing some kind of routine to keep me and my days in check. It has worked out pretty great for me so far, so I just wanted to share for some quarantine inspiration!
Wake up for the first time, but it’s too early and I’m still tired and immediately go back to sleep.
Wake up for real this time, spend over an hour scrolling through Twitter and then immediately feeling bad. A great way to start the day!
Finally get up and take a shower, standing under the water for way too long but the warmth and the water pressure kind of feels like getting hugged by someone, which is illegal to do these days.
Get out of the shower and move back to the bed to air-dry and play Animal Crossing.
Start feeling bad about staying in bed until half past two and put real clothes on.
Call my parents and tell them not to go outside. Again.
Take some leftovers and reheat them. Been eating the same thing for 5 days now but you know what, I don’t feel taste anymore and nothing really matters.
Now this is where my day really begins. I will usually stare out of the window at this time.
Go on Tinder and swipe through a bunch of people. Get no matches, close out of the app. Sigh.
Sit down at desk and open up computer. Look at emails. They are all trash. I am not working.
Get a text from your coworker to tell you that it’s arm day today. Do not respond back. The fuck I’m going to be doing arm, leg, abs or any other kind of day in this crisis.
Pull out a cross stitch or some other hobby activity.
Think about that one guy that talked to me for a few weeks last summer until he ghosted me but then came back to tell me he feels bad for me but I should do comedy and still kind of cyberbullies me on Instagram in a very silent but cruel way. What’s he up to?
Think about making another Tik Tok video before the lighting in my room gets bad. Have we really come to this?
Get another text from a coworker about how the lady that shits on the floor in the bathroom sometimes is back at it again. It’s almost daily. Not always shit on the floor but some kind of bathroom terrorism takes place. Do not miss that at all.
Return back to whatever hobby activity I was doing (embroidery). Also watching Yugioh or some other show I’ve seen a bunch of times. No new content is allowed, only regression.
Look at memes.
Play more Animal Crossing.
Think to myself, “Wow! The day sure has gone by and I’ve done fucking nothing!”
Get a text from my brother telling me I need to set up a Roth IRA and “think about retirement.”
Decide now is a great time to watch another teen rom-com from the 90’s/early-2000’s that I used to love but does definitely not hold up.
Go on Bumble this time. Still nothing. Everyone’s talking about being too horny online but I guess people can’t be horny for me even when the world is ending.
Time to listen to the 2007 Mayday Parade album “A Lesson in Romantics” just one more time.
Wonder if my bosses are actually just having their own episode of Punk’d! where they pay me in full for not working at all but then I come back to work and they’re like, “Oh you thought we were serious about saying you’re coming back?” and they all laugh even though this would never happen and I’m very fortunate for working in the place that I am because it could be a lot worse.
Look at more memes.
Fall asleep even though there is night construction happening right outside.
And there you have it! Just follow this routine (or make your own!) to just have at least a little bit of structure to your day in a time where time is, for the most part, absolutely meaningless!
While working an office job, it can be easy to fall into the routine of wearing the same five outfits every week—as long as your clothes are clean and they fit the dress code it should be fine, right? Over time, though, the clothes become worn out and your life changes, making your work outfit choices poorly reflect on who you are as a person. For example, if you, say, haven’t had sex in two years, your regular work clothes may give off an air that says, “I am hot and I have sex all the time with my hot significant other,” but if you don’t have a significant other and haven’t had sex in two years, you may need to find some new clothes to properly reflect that. Surprise your coworkers and yourself with these five (six?) outfit suggestions that really scream out, “I haven’t had sex in two years!”
Anything with a Peter Pan Collar
The Peter Pan collar was invented for a different reason, but it really is the collar that was made for people like us, who work in a business-casual environment and haven’t had sex in two years. It’s both semi-professional and makes you look like a sad librarian who has many cats and does not fuck (though there are many different kinds of librarians with a different level of cat ownership and sexual activity and happiness).
The office tends to get cold, so it’s always a good idea to keep a spare cardigan on the back of your chair in case of emergencies. To make sure you give off the biggest sexually frustrated mom who is also extremely religious vibes, make sure that your office cardigan is one of those giant flowy ones. The more like a blanket the better, and extra points if it’s floral too. Use this behemoth of a cardigan to keep you warm when the thermostat makes you chilly, and make sure to wrap it around you extra tight because this is the closest thing you’ll get to the warm embrace of another person for at least three months.
One of those dresses that makes you look like a flight attendant
Look your professional best with a no-nonsense dress that says, “Yes, I am just way too busy with my career to even possibly think about dating right now.” With a dress that has a built-in ascot and a boxy, unflattering shape, your coworkers may even believe you when you say that.
Corduroy Overall Dress
As the months turn into years that you haven’t felt the touch of another human being, you may feel anxious that time is flying away and that you won’t be young forever. It’s true, you will not be young forever—nobody will. But it’s fine, to combat this I recommend to start wearing more corduroy overall dresses. The overall dress is a powerful clothing item. It says “sure I may look like a fucking child even though I’m at least in my mid-twenties but I do not give a shit!” This is a powerful move, but one you must commit to.
Anything with a lot of ruffles
It has been so long since anyone has seen your naked body, and with an outfit with an obscene amount of ruffles, you can ensure that nobody will ever see your body again—not even a peep of cleavage or even a collarbone. You’ve gone this long without experiencing another person’s touch or gaze, might as well just commit to the very end.
It wasn’t until this summer, when she started dating Pete Davidson, that I really started to spend time thinking about Ariana Grande as a person. How did a woman so talented and at the top of her game agree to be engaged to Pete Davidson? Because of this, I now had to think about if I thought Pete Davidson is attractive, which is something that I never thought I’d have to think about (my conclusion was that yes, he is attractive, mostly because the bar is to the ground when it comes to my standards for what makes a guy hot).
This was also the time that I started getting into astrology, so I was delighted to find out that she was a Cancer sun and a Libra moon just like me. Even though we have never met and will probably never meet, I felt like I had a connection to her. She released Sweetener which was a bop and after her breakup with Pete she released her newest album, Thank u, next, which is full of certified bops and a lot of relatable moods. That being said, I feel like I would relate to it a lot more if I was hot.
While the two of us share sun and moon placements and the fact that we are only a year apart, the similarities stop there. This past year has been arguably the worst year for the both of us, but my year did not consist of my ex boyfriend passing away and having a messy broken engagement with another guy--if I was hot, maybe I would have a boyfriend that broke up with me and made me sad. Instead, my terrible year was the result of living with my parents, not having enough money to move out and follow my dreams, living far away from any friend I have, and the crushing weight of capitalism and student loan debt. Good music comes from sad breakups, something hot people experience, not worries about making their student loan payments on time.
The album centers around Ari finding herself, and learning how to thrive by herself, which is something that only hot people have to learn. Not hot people like myself don’t learn independence--we’re independent right from the get-go, we have to do all the loving and the hanging out and the cooking all on our own all the time. Well anyways, Thank u, next came out and I’ve been listening to it on repeat, soaking in all the Cancer sun/Libra moon vibes and thinking, “I could relate to this album so much more if I was hot.”
The whole premise of “imagine” as I assume is that she’s imagining having a relationship with someone she likes. As a person who is alive, I know this feeling well. Maybe if I was hot, I would actually know what it’s like to actually feel someone sleeping next to me or kissing me or whatever, but since I am not hot, all I really can do is imagine what that feels like, unlike Ariana Grande, who has definitely experienced relationship things more than once because she is hot.
Just like Ariana, I also am needy. I crave and need attention all the time, but because I am not hot I don’t actually get attention, and if I ask for some I’m considered annoying. If I was hot like Ariana, then I could be needy openly and people will still love me but because I am not hot, this is not something that I can relate to.
This song is all about needing space in a relationship, which I guess that I can relate to. Not like I would really know because I’ve never been in one but I’m assuming that I’m going to need space. I’ve been on my own for so long that I don’t really know how I would act if I was in a relationship with someone and with them all the damn time. What am I even getting worked up about, though? Dating is for hot people after all and I am not hot.
In this track, Ariana explains that at the moment she’s in it for a good time but not a long time. A lot of people getting out of relationships like to mess around since they’re finally feeling the freedom that they didn’t have while in a committed relationship. Don’t know what that’s like. Chances are, though, if I’m going to be with someone it’s just going to be a one-time thing because most people don’t want to look at me for too long.
5. “fake smile”
As I’ve said before, both Ariana and I have had quite a rough year. I, too, am tired of pretending that everything is fine and just want to cry sometimes. Even if Ariana decides to stop the fake smile, people will understand because she’s been through a lot. If I do that, though, everyone will tell me to “get over it” and “shut the fuck up” because “it’s not that bad” because people who are not hot cannot be sad about anything ever, especially about problems that are specific to people who are not hot, like me.
6. “bad idea”
In this song, the “bad idea” is having a booty call. This is something only hot people can do. If I were to text anyone at 2am to come over, they would all be like “wtf ew no” and I would remain alone and also very embarrassed. If I named a song “bad idea” it would be about that time I told the guy that I liked that I liked him and it didn’t work out and I made a fool of myself, and the other time I did that and it also didn’t work out and I also made a fool of myself, and on and on.
7. “make up”
Get made just to have make-up sex? Yeah that’s only something that hot people can relate to.
This song is probably about Ariana apologizing to Pete for mourning the death of her ex-boyfriend Mac Miller who died right after they started dating. That is very sad and this is a heartfelt song that I can fortunately not relate to at all. Since I am not hot, I never had one boyfriend, let alone two in my life so there’s no way I could talk about one in front of the other.
9. “in my head”
The song starts with a monologue that goes, “Here’s the thing: you’re in love with a version of a person you’ve created in your head.” Fucking DUH! What else is someone who is not hot going to do? Fall in love with an actual person that you spend time with and wanted to get to know you in return? That’s something for hot people. Ariana is talking about imagining the person she’s with as someone better than they are but I’m just imagining people--anyone really--liking me at all. I just spend so much time daydreaming about an entirely different life where I am hot and people are attracted to me at all. The only place I’ll ever be in a relationship is in my head, after all.
10. “7 rings”
This track is a bop and I would love to jam to it as if the lyrics reflected my own current life in any way possible. Truth is, I get paid $12/hr, have crippling loan debt, and I only have like two friends so if I wouldn’t ever even need to buy that many rings for friends that I don’t have. Maybe one day I could flex like Ariana, but today is not that day.
11. “thank u, next”
It is very much a Cancer thing to write a song thanking your exes--at least I would assume that much since I don’t have any exes to thank myself. She had at least three that she was talking about: one taught her love, one taught her patience, and one taught her pain. THREE different people? Wow! I had to teach myself all of those things because I am not hot and have to do everything in this goddamn life all by myself.
12. “break up with your girlfriend, i’m bored”
Out of all of these songs that can only be truly relatable if you are also hot like Ariana Grande, this is the peak hot person song. This is such a flex. For me, someone who isn’t hot, there is no way that anyone in a relationship with any girl is going to leave them for someone as not hot as me. There is no way. Even if I would like for that to happen, it’s never going to happen. Fetch will happen before this would ever happen.