While working an office job, it can be easy to fall into the routine of wearing the same five outfits every week—as long as your clothes are clean and they fit the dress code it should be fine, right? Over time, though, the clothes become worn out and your life changes, making your work outfit choices poorly reflect on who you are as a person. For example, if you, say, haven’t had sex in two years, your regular work clothes may give off an air that says, “I am hot and I have sex all the time with my hot significant other,” but if you don’t have a significant other and haven’t had sex in two years, you may need to find some new clothes to properly reflect that. Surprise your coworkers and yourself with these five (six?) outfit suggestions that really scream out, “I haven’t had sex in two years!”
Anything with a Peter Pan Collar
The Peter Pan collar was invented for a different reason, but it really is the collar that was made for people like us, who work in a business-casual environment and haven’t had sex in two years. It’s both semi-professional and makes you look like a sad librarian who has many cats and does not fuck (though there are many different kinds of librarians with a different level of cat ownership and sexual activity and happiness).
The office tends to get cold, so it’s always a good idea to keep a spare cardigan on the back of your chair in case of emergencies. To make sure you give off the biggest sexually frustrated mom who is also extremely religious vibes, make sure that your office cardigan is one of those giant flowy ones. The more like a blanket the better, and extra points if it’s floral too. Use this behemoth of a cardigan to keep you warm when the thermostat makes you chilly, and make sure to wrap it around you extra tight because this is the closest thing you’ll get to the warm embrace of another person for at least three months.
One of those dresses that makes you look like a flight attendant
Look your professional best with a no-nonsense dress that says, “Yes, I am just way too busy with my career to even possibly think about dating right now.” With a dress that has a built-in ascot and a boxy, unflattering shape, your coworkers may even believe you when you say that.
Corduroy Overall Dress
As the months turn into years that you haven’t felt the touch of another human being, you may feel anxious that time is flying away and that you won’t be young forever. It’s true, you will not be young forever—nobody will. But it’s fine, to combat this I recommend to start wearing more corduroy overall dresses. The overall dress is a powerful clothing item. It says “sure I may look like a fucking child even though I’m at least in my mid-twenties but I do not give a shit!” This is a powerful move, but one you must commit to.
Anything with a lot of ruffles
It has been so long since anyone has seen your naked body, and with an outfit with an obscene amount of ruffles, you can ensure that nobody will ever see your body again—not even a peep of cleavage or even a collarbone. You’ve gone this long without experiencing another person’s touch or gaze, might as well just commit to the very end.