While working an office job, it can be easy to fall into the routine of wearing the same five outfits every week—as long as your clothes are clean and they fit the dress code it should be fine, right? Over time, though, the clothes become worn out and your life changes, making your work outfit choices poorly reflect on who you are as a person. For example, if you, say, haven’t had sex in two years, your regular work clothes may give off an air that says, “I am hot and I have sex all the time with my hot significant other,” but if you don’t have a significant other and haven’t had sex in two years, you may need to find some new clothes to properly reflect that. Surprise your coworkers and yourself with these five (six?) outfit suggestions that really scream out, “I haven’t had sex in two years!”
Anything with a Peter Pan Collar
The Peter Pan collar was invented for a different reason, but it really is the collar that was made for people like us, who work in a business-casual environment and haven’t had sex in two years. It’s both semi-professional and makes you look like a sad librarian who has many cats and does not fuck (though there are many different kinds of librarians with a different level of cat ownership and sexual activity and happiness).
The office tends to get cold, so it’s always a good idea to keep a spare cardigan on the back of your chair in case of emergencies. To make sure you give off the biggest sexually frustrated mom who is also extremely religious vibes, make sure that your office cardigan is one of those giant flowy ones. The more like a blanket the better, and extra points if it’s floral too. Use this behemoth of a cardigan to keep you warm when the thermostat makes you chilly, and make sure to wrap it around you extra tight because this is the closest thing you’ll get to the warm embrace of another person for at least three months.
One of those dresses that makes you look like a flight attendant
Look your professional best with a no-nonsense dress that says, “Yes, I am just way too busy with my career to even possibly think about dating right now.” With a dress that has a built-in ascot and a boxy, unflattering shape, your coworkers may even believe you when you say that.
Corduroy Overall Dress
As the months turn into years that you haven’t felt the touch of another human being, you may feel anxious that time is flying away and that you won’t be young forever. It’s true, you will not be young forever—nobody will. But it’s fine, to combat this I recommend to start wearing more corduroy overall dresses. The overall dress is a powerful clothing item. It says “sure I may look like a fucking child even though I’m at least in my mid-twenties but I do not give a shit!” This is a powerful move, but one you must commit to.
Anything with a lot of ruffles
It has been so long since anyone has seen your naked body, and with an outfit with an obscene amount of ruffles, you can ensure that nobody will ever see your body again—not even a peep of cleavage or even a collarbone. You’ve gone this long without experiencing another person’s touch or gaze, might as well just commit to the very end.
Oh no! It’s almost Halloween and you don’t even have a costume yet! Life has been coming at you fast and you just haven’t had time to think about, let alone make, a whole costume for the spooky season, but you have to get drunk this weekend and time is of the essence. If you’re feeling stumped about what to wear this Halloween, I have a few ideas for you. They’re fun, they’re sexy, and they’re definitely scary.
1.Sexy Student Loan Debt
If you’re experiencing the crushing weight of student loan debt, you may be living at your parents’ house in your hometown, where all of your friends have already left you behind, leaving you with no plans for Halloween. If this is not the case, then I have to say congratulations because that was not my experience at all! Since you’re going to be out on the town this Halloween, but still do not have the luxury of calling a fun place in the city your own, you might as well just go as a sexier version of your crippling student loan debt so that you can let everyone know that you’re struggling but you’re going about it in a very hot, sexy way.
2. Sexy Crushed Hopes and Dreams
No matter who you are, you have some dreams that have been relentlessly crushed right before your eyes--that’s life, after all. Halloween is all about being what you’re not, so if you’re not successful, why not at least pretend to be for a night? Bitter reality can wait until tomorrow.
3. Sexy Something from Your Nightmares
Nightmares are subjective, and change from person to person so get creative with it! You could go as “sexy going to die alone with 20 cats eating the flesh off my dead face” or even just as “sexy 100 spiders on me at once.” For me, my worst nightmare would be this sexy Gumby costume--that green blob boy just is not right.
4. Sexy Shredded Cheese in a Bag
After a night out, a hard day at work, or just for a regular depression meal, shredded cheese in a bag has always been there to satisfy your needs. Halloween is going to be a big night for you, so maybe it’s time to show your late-night snack some appreciation all day and not just at 3:00 in the morning while you lay on your kitchen floor thinking about how your life is just passing you by, so wear your bag of shredded cheese proudly--and sexily--on your body. It could also be a great couple costume with a sexy taco.
5. Sexy Employee Who Hates Their Job
There are costumes for sexy dead secretaries, and a whole lot of other sexy professions like police officer and nun, but how many costumes are there for just the everyday office employee who hates their job? This costume is perfect for all occasions, but especially at a work-related event--it’s just you, but sexier.
October 2019 Horoscopes
There is a lot going on cosmically this month, if you haven’t already felt it as Pluto went into Capricorn on the 3rd, which may have triggered something within you for a transformation. It may not be as cool as turning into a werewolf or a vampire, but you might find yourself on the path to some big changes. To keep up with some of the mysterious vibes of the month, Mercury and Venus are both going into Scorpio. Spooked yet?
On October 13, there will be a full moon in Aries which is bound to give you some kind of chaotic, fiery energy and is just going to add more to the emotional stew that is October of the year of 2019. There will also be a new moon in Scorpio on the 27th. New moons are about some kind of rebirth or renewal, and having it happening in Scorpio might make it more intense than other new moons you may have experienced this year.
Right now, the sun is still in Libra, so keep being flirty and fun while it’s still a reasonable temperature the next few weeks. You might be feeling a bit indecisive right now, which may not be great when you’re trying to come up with your Halloween costume, but I believe in you to make a good choice. Hopefully all that flirty fun energy will pay off once the sun goes into Scorpio on the 23rd because that’s when the chaotic, horny fun begins. You might end up with a wild fun Halloween, or you might be like me eating candy and watching Halloweentown, alone.
If there wasn’t enough already, Mercury begins to retrograde on the 31st, All Hallow’s Eve. But we can talk about that later.
You will find yourself in a position to become the leader of a group of magical beings. The idea of being in charge of so many people and having this much newfounded power excites you, but you need to be careful. Taking on too much and/or expecting too much of others is going to make you burned out, or at least just burned. Raw, burnt flesh is never a good look.
Sometime in the middle of the month, you will look at yourself in the mirror, as it is sometimes routine to do. Your reflection looks like you, so you think nothing of it, and walk on--but the reflection of you lingers. This false reflection follows you from surface to surface. When you finally notice that something is off, it’s almost too late. You must confront whatever this strange reflection is before it consumes you whole.
People always say that Geminis are two-faced and fake, and while that’s totally rude of them to assume so, they’re not wrong. This is that time of year when it’s time to shed your skin--literally--and start anew. You won’t know what you’re going to look like next once it’s time for your outer layer to peel off and reveal something new. Hopefully this time, you transform into someone even hotter than you are now, so you have even more power.
As the nostalgic person you are, you may feel haunted by old memories a lot of the time. This month, lucky you, you are actually being haunted by the ghosts from your memories. The ghosts of old friends, the ghosts of those people that made fun of your lisp in 8th grade, and even the ghosts of that one person on Tinder who ghosted you two months ago. They will try and torment you, to keep you up at night thinking about them, but you will have to be strong. Either be strong, or just take a good moment to cry.
There is trouble happening in town, and it’s up to you to figure out who is behind all of it. First it was just some Halloween decorations that got stolen, then the neighbor’s cat, and now you are getting threatening notes in the mailbox telling you to skip town, or else. Whoever is behind this is truly up to no good, and you are getting more involved in the case each day. It intrigues you, but soon it will become an obsession. The case does not get unraveled but your life certainly does, as this mystery continues to consume you.
You may have been feeling a bit out of sorts recently--it seems as though you are not currently where you wish you were on your plan for life either in career, in love, in friendship, or a mix of all of that. Well lucky for you, you will meet a witch who will make a special potion for you that will give you everything that you desire, and even more on top of that. Of course, it does come at a price, but the witch will not tell you exactly what that price is. Will you do it or just try to work on yourself organically?
As it is Libra season right now, you seem to be hitting a bit of luck this month. When you’re doing some deep cleaning in the attic, you will find a whole bunch of very old trinkets and things, that after a quick Google search, you find out are worth quite a pretty penny. Since you only do things like deep cleaning when you’re feeling a bit isolated and reflective, things might be quiet on the friendship front this month, but you will make a new friend with the ghoul that also lives in your attic. He doesn’t talk a lot but he’s cool.
This time is all about change for you, and what a change it will be! While walking around one day, deep in thought (because you’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately), you will accidentally trip and fall into a river. Instead of becoming soaking wet, you will actually be transported into another realm, one of magic and wonder. There are also a lot of terrifying monsters here, but you just need to be smart to avoid all of those. Will you fight to try and find your way back home, or find a new life in this whimsical place?
You will come across someone who is very mysterious, and this intrigues you. Once you get to know them, you will soon start to develop feelings of one way or another. Sadly, this person is a time traveler and if they stay in this time any longer, the whole universe will collapse. You will have to say goodbye, but it’s fine--you never liked commitment much anyways.
This is a good time for you, it seems as though your relationships are going to prosper this month. Use this time to connect with friends and maybe try something a little out of your comfort zone--you never know who you might meet in the process! (Maybe even a vampire boyfriend).
At one point in time, you may have crossed paths with a vampire and made them extremely angry, waiting for the day that they can enact revenge on you. The time is coming that the two of you will cross paths again and you will need to be ready to face this issue head-on. Always carry around two wooden stakes with you, and eat a lot of garlic bread for extra protection. You will need it.
Things may be feeling a little out of control recently. You will have plans to go on a date with someone who you think is just a dream. Problem is, there’s just a little secret that they’re hiding from you--they’re a werewolf! This is both exciting and problematic. On one hand, werewolves are usually hot and cool but also, you might end up getting hurt when they wolf out and you might die. Lots of choices need to be made, and fast.
September 2019 Horoscopes
We’re starting off the month with the sun in Virgo, and a fuckton of other planets also in Virgo—which means you’re ready to crack down and work on all of your hopes and dreams, clean out your closet, and probably also get a bunch of colorful pens to organize all of your to-do lists (you’re making to-do lists now, even if you didn’t want to because there’s just that much Virgo energy going about).
The month isn’t sure to go too smoothly, though because that would just be too easy. On the 14th, there will be a full moon in Pisces, which is going to make you Feel some shit. Jupiter and Neptune are also going to clash on the 21st so be prepared to feel more disappointed than usual.
On the 23rd of September, the sun is going to go into Libra, which is going to help balance out all the imbalances you may be feeling. You might also never be able to make a decision in your life ever again. This is a great time to hang out with friends and meet some new people. Fall is always best with friends.
You’re on fire recently, and it may be the perfect time to start on a new business venture. Grab a buddy or two and get working on starting a new company. What are your services? That’s up for debate. Nobody really knows what you’re doing to make money and honestly, you don’t really know what you’re doing either. All you do know is that it says that your company was founded in your parent’s basement (which makes it relatable even if only half true) and you do “marketing.” You are now allowed to post on your social media, “The grind never stops!” at least three times a day.
Things are probably going great, and it may feel like you’re in a dream. Turns out, you are! Be careful because one wrong step in the dream world and the Dream Goblins will chase you through this mysterious world and you will be stuck there forever, leaving behind everyone you love in the real world.
It’s time to get out and invest in something that really matters, like property. Find a cheap piece of land and make it your life’s mission to flip this piece of property into a home that is worth living. The project will definitely go way over budget and you might end up alienating your wife and kids in the process. Eventually, you will end up with a beautiful home that nobody will buy because we’re on track for another recession in the next year. At least you will have befriended the ghost that lives in the attic.
If you’re feeling a little bit lost about what to do with your life, try making a blog. Sure, blogs are so seven years ago, but what else is there to do in life but to share too much of yourself with strangers on the internet? Your blog can be about anything--cooking, gardening, books, or even your completely depressing dating life and your insecurities about how you may never be able to find love or even someone to kiss your face sometimes. Whatever it is, your blog is going to take off and you’ll become super popular and even have a book deal. That, or your blog will be read by your mom and your best friend and that’s about it. Either way, it wouldn’t hurt to try!
This is going to be a period of transformation for you. You may start to feel funny towards the middle of the month and you may find your skin to be a little slimy or scaly. This is perfectly normal to experience during this time of change. You’re growing into your new hands. They may not look visually great at the start, but you will soon realize that there are some really good benefits to having these weird monster hands.
It’s time for you to put down that Excel spreadsheet and have some hot and good physical contact with another human being. You deserve it. It’s also almost time for the Harvest so you it’s a bit pressing to find a suitable partner for sacrifice to ensure the crops will be bountiful next year.
You might be experiencing some changes in your life recently. If you do not like this happening, you might as well just leave everything you’ve ever known and start anew in the woods, or maybe New Mexico. It’s going to be hard for you to figure out where to settle your new life, but once you figure it out it’s going to be great and you will be in love for exactly five months.
You are going to meet someone this month, and at first you will hate them. They’re basically the same as you, just better in every single way. There is going to be a rivalry between the two of you, but eventually you will realize that this feeling is actually love and the two of you will kiss passionately.
There is just too much going on this month and you don’t know if you can do it all. Instead of working on what you need to do piece by piece, you will instead dedicate way too much time into studying the science of time travel until you perfect it. Now, you will be able to go back in time and do everything you need to get done—which is great! Except your meddling in the concept of time is going to form a black hole within the Earth itself and everyone will die because you decided to play God.
It seems as though this month is going to be the start of an unknown journey for you. Things are going to change, and that can be scary. At the same time, be sure to embrace some of these changes and keep an open mind. Something might just surprise you!
You might be feeling some hardship when it comes to your finances, like a debt that you can’t keep putting off paying and it’s difficult to think how you’re going to pull this off. Don’t worry, though, you’re going to get a surprise visit from Ellen, who has a giant check to help you pay off that debt. You have no idea how she knows who you are or where you live but you’re not about to question it. Days later, you wonder if this was actually an Ellen impersonator and that the check they gave you was bad, but that’s another problem for another day.
Is your head in the game or is your heart just in the song? There’s going to be a lot of conflict happening for you this month. You might be best just to retire into nature for the month and befriend all the birds in the forest. Train them so that you can call upon them at a time of need to help vanquish anyone that has wronged you.
August 2019 Horoscopes
August is here and, now that we’re deep in Leo season, hot (your pronoun) summer has officially begun! It seems like we’re all in for a better month than the last one, now that Mercury retrograde is no more and there aren’t two eclipses trying to ruin our lives. Use this positive energy to do cool hot people shit with your friends, go on an adventure, or really take the plunge into an elaborate revenge plan against whoever wronged your family.
On the 15th of the month, there will be a full moon in Aquarius which will bring awareness to the world outside of yourself. Take the fire already in the air and use it to dismantle a government, or fight against a power imbalance at your job, or even just find the courage to tell your mom that her body shaming just isn’t going to work anymore! From August 23 on, the sun will then be in Virgo, so get your planners ready for the end of the month because you’re going to need to organize your life after the month you’re about to have.
You are going to get a message from an old crush. Since they grew up into someone kind of cute, you start chatting them up. Soon, you will develop feelings again for this person, feelings even more deep than you felt when you were twelve staring at them in biology class. They suggest you both meet up so you can feel the love together. Once it hits the long awaited day, you’re waiting at the agreed upon meeting spot, only to not see that cutie anywhere. Suddenly someone approaches you and lets you know that they’re the one who was chatting with you the whole time. Your former crush actually died two years ago and they hacked into their profile. The mystery catfish then steals your wallet and runs off into the night and you’re left heartbroken and broke.
It is time to be one with the earth this month, Taurus. Dig a hole in the ground and plant yourself. In three weeks you can finally emerge from the earth and become even more beautiful than you were before, even though you’re now thoroughly covered in dirt.
You will see the light this month. The light is so bright, you just want to know where it will take you. The light is so bright, it is blinding. You are consumed by the light. When will this end? Where does this go? Is this all you will ever experience for the rest of time?
Last month was pretty bad, but everything that didn’t kill you is going to make you stronger. And when I say stronger I mean extremely strong. Did you think that your powers of caring and helping were at maximum capacity already? Think again--you are nowhere near your final form. You must train hard and often to develop your superhero-level strength of love.
When you go out dancing, you’re going to find a good-looking person on the opposite side of the dance floor. You both catch eyes. You will pretend to throw a lasso at them and bring them closer. It works. The two of you dance the night away. You get married three days later.
While walking around in a place that is unfamiliar to you, you may get stopped by one of the locals who mistook you for someone else. They turn out to be a famous pop star and you look just like their singing partner. You start to fall in love with this person, but soon realize that they are a fraud and are just using you. It is time to be true to yourself and stand up against this scammer, so you devise a plan to publicly humiliate them.
It might be time for a bit of a wardrobe upgrade. Show them who’s boss by exclusively wearing jeans, a white t-shirt, and a leather jacket and also forming a gang of close pals to aggressively snap at passerby. Become John Travolta in the hit musical movie Grease.
You may have been feeling a little bit bored at work recently, and may have even started looking for a new job to excite your life a bit. One day at work, your boss is going to cause a complete scene and quit right then and there. There’s nobody else that wants to be the boss so you’re the boss now. Are you able to handle all this responsibility?
At a quirky little shop you will come across a very old book. It looks cool, so you decide to purchase it. When you take it home and start to look through it, you start feeling funny. The book actually is a very powerful magical item and it has chosen you to pour all of its knowledge into. The book gives you knowledge about everything in the universe. What will you do with all of this information? Will you use it for good or for evil?
You will hear the news that you have obtained an inheritance from an extremely distant relative who lives far away. They have given you a small fortune as well as one of their estates. It is an old, decrepit building but it has some charm. You enter and immediately feel a presence. Of course, it is a ghost and it likes to spend all of its time knocking things over and tying your shoelaces together. You try and rid the house of this spirit but to no luck. It follows you wherever you go. For a few years, the ghost may hold off on its mayhem, making you think that you are finally free but it will eventually ruin your marriage.
Be careful this month or you may just end up getting hit by a car and forgetting everything from your past, and maybe even your own name. Don’t trust anyone, not even yourself.
Summer is almost over but it’s never too late to get into the health game. After doing minimal research you will pick a new diet and health plan to do religiously for a week and then completely forget about after the weekend. This health regimen is going to make you feel great--almost superhuman! It’s weird, though, because you’ve also noticed that when your skin touches water you start to develop scales. Are you actually a merperson? It’s time to talk to your mother about this.